I don't remember Santa Claus looking that crotchety.
Christmas is fast approaching. Unfortunately for the Vancouver Canucks, they won't get much time to celebrate Christmas with their family and friends, as they'll be in Columbus, Ohio on December 23rd and will need to wake up early on Boxing Day to play the Oilers. With that in mind, here are some gift ideas for our beloved Canucks and here's hoping they have a restful and enjoyable two-day break.
For the Forward in your life:
Jonas Andersson: A travel toothbrush.
Alexandre Bolduc: Fancy ankle brace.
Alexandre Burrows: Red hair dye.
Guillaume Desbiens: A Beginner's Guide to Boxing to prevent future injuries.
Tanner Glass: The Official Scrabble Players Dictionary, Fourth Edition.
Jannik Hansen: Man Hands Healing Hand Lotion.
Manny Malhotra: Some gold-plated playa grillz. We know how he rolls.
Mason Raymond: Busted Tees' "I'm so Excited" t-shirt.
Rick Rypien: St. Paul Restaurant Guide.
Mikael Samuelsson: An advent calendar featuring a different team rejecting him every day.
Daniel Sedin: "Out for Blood" by Alyxandra Harvey.
Henrik Sedin: The Schwarzenegger/Devito comedy classic, Twins.
Jeff Tambellini: Best Of Rodney Dangerfield.
Raffi Torres: "Why the Frog has Big Eyes" for his daughter.
For the Defenceman in your life:
Andrew Alberts: The classic epic "Barabbas" starring Anthony Quinn.
Keith Ballard: Louisville Slugger Triton Big Barrel Bat.
Kevin Bieksa: Brand new sliding shorts for when he does the double-slide.
Alexander Edler: "Speak Up With Confidence."
Christian Ehrhoff: A lump of coal. He knows what he did.
Dan Hamhuis: "Tales of the Riverbank" on DVD.
Ryan Parent: "The Shining" on DVD to watch with Kevin Bieksa.
Aaron Rome: An exclusive arrangement to audit classes at the prestigious Milford Academy.
Sami Salo: Bubble wrap. Reams and reams of bubble wrap.
For the Goalie in your life:
Roberto Luongo: The complete e.e. cummings.
Cory Schneider: Big Book of Black Belt Sudoku to fill all his free time.
For the Former Canuck in your life:
Jan Bulis: A fairy costume.
Joel Perrault: Manitoba Moose jersey.
Taylor Pyatt: New contact lenses.
Kyle Wellwood: Elmo's World on DVD.
This is hilarious.
ReplyDeleteThat said, there are so many PITB inside jokes in this post, it would be impossible for anybody to get all of them. With that in mind, my gift to the Bulies is the gift of clarity: if you don't get it, ask me here in the comments and I'll point you to the post from which the joke originated.
Also, for Samuelsson, I would actually recommend "You Suck: A Love Story" by Christopher Moore.
ReplyDeleteI considered "You Suck: A Love Story" for Daniel, considering how out for blood he is, but then I saw a book literally titled "Our For Blood" and my decision was made for me.
ReplyDeleteParent = Shining with Bieksa? Huh?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, the Shining reference is a callback to this post, where we described the short-lived Kevin Bieksa/Ryan Parent defensive tandem as "more terrifying than the hallways of the Overlook Hotel." The Overlook Hotel is the setting of the Shining, and the hallway scene is one of the most famous horror scenes ever.
ReplyDeleteIt's a very, very inside joke. Daniel has written the most exclusive PITB post ever.
But those who actually get the jokes will feel super-extra-special. The Shining reference is the most obscure one, I think.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite is Aaron Rome and the Milford Academy.
The "Big Book of Black Belt Sudoku" for Schneider was authored by a "Mr. Longo". Not a coincidence I'm assuming.
ReplyDeleteThis was amazing. Although do you really wanting to be giving Tanner such an aid that he can study for your upcoming heavyweight Scrabble title bout?
ReplyDelete@Anonymous6:20AM That is what is known in the humour industry as "layers."
ReplyDeleteSemi_colon, nothing will spare Tanner Glass. You could give him an iPad and tell him about morewords.com and I might still win.
ReplyDelete/hubris
I think the Tales of the Riverbank one is most obscure, because it's a reference to something that happened in the comments, not an actual post.
ReplyDelete