From the Archives: Tomorrow's Headlines Today

On Friday, October 8th, 2010, the day before the puck dropped to begin the Canucks' regular season, we at PITB made some bold predictions about the headlines this season of hockey might generate. With the regular season set to expire after tonight's HNIC tilt with the Calgary Flames, we thought it might be a good idea to go back and see how many if these predictions turned out to be stone-cold prophecies.

As it turns out, the answer is one. Exactly six months ago yesterday, I predicted that Raffi Torres would be suspended four games for a headshot. No lie, I sailed right into the mystic on that one. You'll forgive me if I quit my job, invest in small tent, some hanging beads and a dry ice machine, and begin plying my trade as a carnival seer. Looks like I've got the psychic goods.

But don't take my word for it. Check it out for yourself, and maybe ignore the other nineteen I got wrong. Anyway. Here, for your perusal, is Tomorrow's Headlines Today: This Season's Canuck News, an original PITB article.

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Hey Mr. Tambellini, Play a Song For Me

Preferably something upbeat, with a catchy chorus.

At the beginning of the season, Jeff Tambellini looked like a young hotshot poised for a breakout season. After struggling to work his way into the lineup, Tambellini found chemistry on the second line with Kesler and Raymond, forming a speedster trio that wreaked havoc on opposition defenses.

With 15 points (9 G, 6A) in his first 21 games with the Canucks, it looked like Gillis had found a cheap replacement for the departed Michael Grabner. Their similar attributes - speed and an accurate wristshot - made the two players seem eminently comparable: last season, Grabner had 11 points in 20 games with the big club, so it seemed, at the time, that Tambellini was even better, especially when Grabner was waived by the Florida Panthers out of training camp.

Tambellini capped off his first 21 games with a 6-game point-scoring streak in December, culminating in a contest on December 28th against the Philadelphia Flyers in which he took a game-high 9 shots, finished +2, and even won a faceoff for good measure. He managed all of this in just 13:18 of ice time.

Since that date, he has a grand total of 2 points in his last 40 games, both assists. He hasn't registered a point since February 2nd against the Phoenix Coyotes.

Three Reasons Why Throwing Salmon Is a Bad Idea

A better use for salmon.

A month ago, at the tail end of a 4-3 Vancouver road win over the Calgary Flames, a Canucks fan threw a salmon onto the ice. It was kind of a dick move, but it was presumed to be an isolated incident, like that time someone shone a green laser in Miikka Kiprusoff's eyes. Then, last night, someone else did it again.

A repeat performance of the salmon chuck forces us to consider the possibility that this is becoming a thing. If indeed a minor tradition is blossoming, we also need to consider whether or not this is what we want. Do we want be fans that throw salmon? I would say no, and here are three reasons why:

I Watched This Game: Canucks vs Wild, April 7, 2011

Canucks 5 - 0 Wild

After consecutive losses to the Edmonton Oilers pushed the city of Vancouver to the brink of martial law, you had to think a loss to the Minnesota Wild would be the tipping point. Fans, it seemed, were one poor effort away from killing one another for the contents of their refrigerators. Thankfully, the Canucks staved off a full-scale societal collapse by coming out in this one a little more interested in winning, and they were fortunate to meet a Wild team only to happy to help. The result was a shellacking that will likely quell civil unrest until the team loses again, at which point all the ammo and applesauce I bought will prove quite useful. In the meantime, I watched this game:

• The pregame awards ceremony went pretty much as expected, with Daniel Sedin taking home the MVP, Christian Ehrhoff retaining his best defenseman title, Ryan Kesler winning most exciting player, and Jannik Hansen being named the most unsung. The Presidents Trophy presentation was understated, except for that part where Manny Malhotra showed up, and people went nuts. Talk about crowd pop. It was great to see him. In case you were wondering, Henrik Sedin did not touch the President's Trophy, but I get that whole superstition now. Once you realize that it looks like a crystal bidet, I'm sure any motivation to touch it disappears.

• I especially liked Malhotra's Versace protection sunglasses. It was either that, or a diamond-studded eyepatch.
  

• Marc Donnelly is starting to mix things up. The other night he turned the anthem into a duet. Tonight, he did a different run. If he's trying to reinvent himself, he should call Timbaland.

• After facing criticism for a mild scoring lull to close out the season, Ryan Kesler used tonight as an opportunity to answer back with a hat trick. First, he redeemed himself for his near-infamous powerplay whiff in last Oilers game, where he double-clutched on a tap-in at the goal line and wound up blocking his own shot. He and the Sedins tried the exact same play again, this time with a different result. After successfully making amends on that one, Kesler spent the night bringing his wrist shot back to lethality. He scored two beauties on the rush with perfectly placed snapshots, going high glove side on the first and high stick side on the second (above). Kesler claims he was extra motivated because Farhan Lalji pissed him off earlier in the day. If that's the case, I suggest Farhan Lalji conduct all Ryan Kesler interviews for the duration of the playoffs, with every intent of incensing him: some feel you can't carry this team to a cup. Also, that you're a big dummy. How would you respond to this?

• Frankly, if there was any disappointing aspect to tonight's game, it's that Kesler's hat trick was met with alarmingly few tossed hats. Shocking stat: in terms of personal items thrown on the ice, the ratio of hats to salmon was about even. Not cool, you guys.
  

• Kesler's hat trick goal was his 40th of the season. Quoth John Garrett: 40 is an excellent number. I'm assuming he meant in regards to scoring totals, but he might just like the number 40. Maybe he likes how it looks? He's seen it everywhere this anniversary season, maybe this was a subtle plea for help from a man that's been driven mad by the number's constant presence in his life? He could be completely obsessed with it, like Jim Carrey and 23.

• Early adopters to PITB will recall that, before he and I became Scrabble buddies, Tanner Glass's presence on the third line offended me, especially throughout last year's playoffs. It seems the universe has a wicked sense of humour, as Glass appears to be have garnered a promotion in the absence of Raffi Torres. Soon, my worst nightmares will come true. Next thing you know, Byron Ritche will return to man the powerplay.

• Poor Jannik Hansen. First he lost his center to an eye injury, then he lost his other winger to a suspension. He did an admirable job on his lonesome, even setting up Mason Raymond for the game's opening goal with a beautiful cross-ice pass, but his gloved punch to Pierre Marc-Bouchard was a clear sign that he wants to be suspended too, so the line can be reunited in the press box.

• Speaking of suspensions, frankly, Greg Zanon's 1st period elbow to the head of Maxim Lapierre might have warranted one that stretched into the playoffs. Lucky for Zanon, the Wild didn't make the playoffs.

• Both of Mason Raymond's goals came on wrist shots after fancy setups, the first from Jannik Hansen, and the second from Daniel Sedin, but they weren't tap-ins. Raymond put himself in great position to receive both passes, and these are places he might not go while playing the wing. He was also the only faceoff guy to finish over 50% on the night. He appears to be adapting to his new role as third-line center quite well. It makes sense. There's a little less pressure to score, it's harder to get over to the side boards and circle the zone, and there's a little more ice. Mason Raymond really likes extra ice. Whenever he goes to Earl's, he asks the waitress to make sure there's plenty in his drink; otherwise, his soda is much too strong.

• With both Mason Raymond and Ryan Kesler flirting with a hat trick, and everyone trying to make sure Daniel Sedin gets the last touch, I started the appropriate hashtag: #passittoraymondorkeslerbutfirstpassittodanielsohecangetapoint. I had low expectations for it. Then it trended in Vancouver. I'm not sure what to think about this.
  

• Alain Vigneault rolled all four lines, resulting in steady icetime for everyone, save Jeff Tambellini. Tambellini played eight and a half minutes. No other Canuck played less than fourteen. When you can't find icetime for Jeff Tambellini in a blowout in the last home game of the season, it's safe to say you aren't trying. Victor Oreskovich might want to reserve an airport shuttle.

• Last night marked the return of Alex Edler to the lineup. He looked good, albeit a little out of sync. He also seemed determined to regain some lost ground in the hits category. He had a game-high four hits in this game, which, as Jeff Paterson tweeted, should answer some questions going forward. Questions like: who led the game in hits and In what category did Alex Edler lead the game? Also: which game did Alex Edler lead in hits?

• Edler was immediately returned to his initial pairing with Christian Ehrhoff, sending Sami Salo to the bottom pairing with Keith Ballard. This is the match the Canucks have been hoping to make all season, but injuries have prevented Sami and Keith from being together long enough to click. Looks like they finally get together in the end. If this sounds a lot like a romantic comedy, that's because it is. After the game, Sami found out he was the subject of a bet to make him over and get him elected prom queen. Expect a last act poolside dance.

• Speaking of bets, Roberto Luongo picked up his fourth shutout of the season last night, much to his surprise, and he told reporters that, prior to the third period, he and Cory Schneider bet on who would break the goose egg. Schneider picked Miettinen. Luongo picked Edler. Chew on this: what if Edler actually had scored an own goal, but Miettinen had the last touch? SUCH A DISPUTE IS UNSOLVABLE.
  

The Players Who Commit Headshots Are Not Evil

You had to know that it wouldn't be too long before Raffi Torres found himself in hot water over a headshot. Having watched him play all season, it's been clear to me that, while he tends to hit cleanly (and beautifully, at times), he also hits often (134 this season). This style of play is not without its risks. By this, I mean head hits like the one Torres laid on Jordan Eberle.

I'm not excusing it or arguing against the suspension handed down this afternoon. Torres deserved to be suspended for this hit because of what it was. This was a headshot. He did not, however, deserve to be demonized for it. Unfortunately, he was, and it wasn't fair. This was an accident. Most headshots are.

Factual Inaccuracies in "How The West Was One"

Local musician Kyprios has released a new song, "How The West Was One," a Canuck anthem just in time for the playoffs. It's a decent song, actually, with some slick production and decent flow. I like it. Though he drops fewer rhymes than the Bible's got psalms, Kyprios demonstrates a legit knowledge of the Canucks and proves himself a true fan. There are, however, some factual inaccuracies in the lyrics, which, as a super-famous Canuck blog co-writer, I feel obliged to correct, so as to avoid spreading fallacies amongst the Canuck fanbase.

I Watched This Game: Canucks at Oilers, April 5, 2011

Canucks 0 - 2 Oilers

After watching the awful game on Saturday between these two teams, I was initially pleased that Harrison was on IWTG duty for that game and I was responsible for this game. Surely the Canucks would put together a better effort. Surely they wouldn't lose to the Oilers two games in a row. Surely they would buckle down, straighten up, put their hand to the plow and nose to the grindstone, swing into action and and take the bull by the horns. Instead, like Buffy Summers (seen above), the Canucks were just going through the motions all game long. However, as our Twitter followers pointed out, when Buffy was going through the motions, she still won. The Canucks did not. And while I wish I had instead watched "Once More, With Feeling" again, I watched this game.

• Through 10 minutes, the Canucks had 1 shot on goal, putting them on pace for 6. It was an ugly, ugly opening to this game. The rest of the game wasn't much better, as they never sustained any significant offensive and pressure and never truly challenged Dubnyk. Actually, I'm not quite sure who was out there in the Canucks uniforms, but they certainly bore very little resemblance to the Canucks that I have watched all season long. I suspect Mike Gillis sought out 20 fanatical Canuck fans amongst the various adult rec leagues in BC, had them undergo radical plastic surgery to turn them into Canuck doppelgangers, and had them replace the real Canucks as soon as they wrapped up the Presidents' Trophy. The real Canucks are busy training underwater like Team Evil from Shaolin Soccer.

• Seriously, though, there's no reason to be concerned. The Canucks are, unsurprisingly, playing like a team with nothing to play for. While it would certainly be nice to see them continue to dominate the opposition in these final games before the playoffs, it's not surprising to see them play with such little urgency. The only thing they're concerned about at this point is avoiding injuries. Despite playing shorthanded for over 11 minutes, only one forward--Ryan Kesler--blocked a shot on the penalty kill.
  

• Alain Vigneault kept his promise of getting Schneider into enough games to qualify for the Jennings Trophy, if the Canucks can hang onto it. With the game essentially over, we got 28 Seconds of Schneider, which, coincidentally, is also the name of my Electro-Pop side project.

• On a positive note this picture of Linus Omark with the Sedins is absolutely incredible. The company that made the Sedins' tracksuits is still in business; Bruce Boudreau is their biggest customer.

• Despite the Canucks best efforts to phone this game in, it was abundantly clear that they were indeed the better, more skilled team. They just weren't the hardest working team. The Oilers' first period goal with just seconds remaining was pure luck, deflecting off Ryan Jones' skate on the powerplay. They needed a 4 minute 5-on-3 to beat Luongo again. They seemed to be pretty excited about barely defeating a barely-there Canucks team, but considering they have very little to be excited about in Edmonton right now, I'll guess we'll let them savor this for a bit.

• Noticing how the Canucks were phoning in this game, the refs decided to do the same. It was a poorly managed game from start to finish, as they waited too long to call coincidental minors on one of the many post-whistle scrums, one of the many reasons the game got out of hand and ugly. The other reason was that the Oilers somehow didn't end up shorthanded until the start of the third period. Meanwhile, the Sedins got tripped, hooked, and mugged. Daniel and Henrik discovered after the game that their loonies and toonies were stolen.

• The worst non-call, however, came while the Canucks were killing off the 5-on-3 powerplay: Mason Raymond used his speed to get the puck deep and was attempting to kill time along the boards. His effort was cut short when he was slammed face first into the boards directly from behind. Nothing. No call. Gutless. I couldn't find video of it anywhere: instead, enjoy this blatant tackle of Ryan Kesler by Theo Peckham favorably labeled in the NHL video highlights as a "hit." Anyone notice how the arm and hand that Peckham wrapped around Kesler was nowhere near his own stick? The referees didn't.

• Vancouver's normal course of action when a team is taking liberties physically is to punish them with goals on the powerplay. With the referees so reticent to put the Canucks on the powerplay, they eventually took matters into their own hands, taking some unnecessary and flagrant penalties. The double crosscheck that, in combination with the Torres major, destroyed any hope of a comeback by the comatose Canucks, was almost as blatant as Derek Smalls' foil-wrapped cucumber.

• I admit: my frustration with the reffing initially clouded my vision on the Raffi Torres hit on Jordan Eberle. After some time to unwind and watch the replays, it's a clear blindside hit to the head. While Torres definitely had his elbow tucked in and wasn't aiming for the head (in fact making contact with his elbow on Eberle's shoulder first), the principle point of contact was the head. Torres will likely face a suspension, though I don't expect anything more than two games considering his clean history with the league and that Eberle immediately popped to his feet, played on the following powerplay, and is evidently completely uninjured.

• The ice at Rexall is shamefully bad. The puck bounced all over the place, a severe handicap for a smooth-passing team like the Canucks. Ryan Kesler seemed to struggle the most, frequently losing the handle while carrying the puck, resulting in 3 recorded giveaways, a game high. Considering he now has only 19 recorded giveaways over the entire season, that's significant. He also whiffed actively prevented the puck going in on a wide open net during the Canucks first powerplay. Let's just say that it wasn't his best game, but he did lead the Canucks in shorthanded time on ice, won 11-of-18 faceoffs, and broke the glass behind Devan Dubnyk in the first period...with his wristshot. I've said it before, I'll say it again: the NHL should introduce a hardest wristshot competition at the All Star Game.

• Aaron Rome appears to be incapable of passing the puck. It has become infuriating: he is very capable of making the simple play - the bank off the glass out of the zone, the dump-in from the blue line, the soft wrist shot from the point into the goalies pads - but seems unable to make higher-level plays than that. While there is certainly a place for a player like Aaron Rome, it's not in the top-four of a Stanley Cup favorite. Fortunately, with Alex Edler and Andrew Alberts practicing with the team and Dan Hamhuis skating again on his own, Rome might not even be on the ice to start the playoffs.

• I'm honestly trying to think of some positive things to say: I suppose Ehrhoff and Bieksa were okay. Luongo made some nice saves. Unless Raymond received a stealth concussion from bashing his face on the boards, they escaped the game without injuries. Higgins still appears capable of playing hockey in a competent manner. Ugh. I'm praising competence. This was a bad game. Let's just all forget it happened, bite our lips through the final two games of the regular season, and try to survive until the start of the playoffs.

From the What If Files: Aaron Rome's Empty-Net Goal

On March 29, in the dying seconds of a road game versus the Nashville Predators, Canucks' defenseman Aaron Rome scored his first goal as a Canuck. It was a 200-foot empty-netter, but that didn't make it any less special for Vancouver, who celebrated the rare occurrence (it was Rome's 100th game with the team) by mobbing him like he'd scored an overtime winner.

This touching moment almost didn't happen. As the puck drifted towards the goal line, Henrik Sedin quit skating and stuck his arms out, so as to prevent anybody from spoiling the moment. In that instant, any number of shocking things could have gone awry. Below, PITB has imagined three very plausible scenarios, with adorable artist's renderings by the fabulously talented Chloe Ezra.

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SCENARIO 1

Henrik skates like wildfire, catching up to the puck eight inches from the goal line. He changes its trajectory by one degree, earning credit for the goal. Then, before a stunned arena, he tears the C off his jersey, flashes the double guns Shane O'Brien style, and skates off, chanting "Henrik! Henrik!"

Artist's Rendering