Wednesday, February 02, 2011

The Dark Times Have Passed For Cody Hodgson

In case you just awoke from a hockey coma, you've probably heard that Cody Hodgson, prized prospect of the Vancouver Canucks, played his first NHL game yesterday. It's been a long time coming for Hodgson, who has overcome a boatload of misinformation, intrusive media coverage, rampant speculation and injury troubles just to get here. But now he's here, and we rejoice, not just because of what he had to go through, but because the hyperbole and panic surrounding Cody should subside.

During last night's game, Hodgson was featured in an intermission segment about his first NHL game which used the phrase, "The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson," before making a cut to Hodgson for an uninteresting quote about injuries. I don't even recall what he said--I just remember thinking that Hodgson's follow-up sentence could have gone in so many better ways. Somehow, I expect a phrase like the dark times have passed to be followed up with a story about how someone overcame full-on vampirism. Imagine this exchange:

  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    I used to be a vampire.

Now that's some badass journalism right there. But that's just me. From where I'm sitting, it could have gone in so many better directions. After the jump, we envision the myriad possible responses to this open-ended lead-in:


  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    I'm really more into milk chocolate now.

  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: When I woke up this morning, the sun had come out again.

  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    I blinked. My eyes were closed for a millisecond. How is this a story?

  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    Well, they're actually called the Middle Ages, but I did just get back from some wacky time travel adventures. Glad those are done.

  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Yeah, I prefer a mild roast now.

  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    They're transition lenses. The tint comes back when I go outside. How have you never heard of these before?

  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    Nights when there's no moon are a bit tough on me because I'm a reverse-werewolf.

  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Okay, I know my girlfriend was black, but frankly, I think that's kind of a racist way to describe the end of the relationship.

  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: After the high stick, both of my eyes were swollen shut, but the swelling has gone down, so I'm finally able to see again.

  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: As a Kryptonian, I derive power from earth's yellow sun. Nighttime is a time of weakness.

  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    Dark City is a weird place. The only thing to eat is their local newspaper, and it's difficult to digest.

  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    After I broke open the piƱata, they removed the blindfold.

  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    I found the light switch on the far wall, but only after banging my shin something fierce on the coffee table. Stung like crazy.

  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    I teamed up with The Canuck and his sidekick The Moose to defeat the NHL Guardian's evil nemesis, Devin Dark. It was pretty cool, I guess.

61 comments:

  1. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Our new drama teacher isn't allowed to make us wear blackface.
    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: That tanning bed was the worst prank Keith Ballard ever pulled on me, but now I'm okay.
    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: I look back on my time as a scientologist not as something to learn from but something to never ever tell anyone about ever.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: I cast magic missile at the darkness. It didn't work very well.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You've just made my DAY. It was impossible not to laugh out loud at work, A+ good sirs

    ReplyDelete
  4. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Obi Wan and Yoda helped me through this.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: What can I say? All that was left from the turkey was white meat.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Lets get dangerous! Oh, sorry. I thought you said Darkwing.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Too bad this didn't happen at the end of daylight savings time in March.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Where I'm from, we call the dark times the night.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Medium roast has more caffeine anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Groundhogs everywhere are predicting an early Spring.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ha ha, Captain Morgan, we already made a coffee joke. (Although I'm loath to admit yours might be phrased better).

    ReplyDelete
  12. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: HEY, DON'T JINX ME!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Oh thank God, I thought rehab would never end. *gets attacked by feral cats*

    ReplyDelete
  14. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: The evil start in Pankot. Then like monsoon, it moves darkness over all country.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Yeah, Coach said that was just a practice jersey.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Yeah, after Bieber ruined emo hair I had to hang up the trench coat.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Admittedly, it's weird to name a kidney stone, but I had grown rather attached to it.

    ReplyDelete
  18. @beninvictoria

    I knew I had forgotten one! The original joke was "It's an away game, so we're wearing our white jerseys."

    ReplyDelete
  19. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: My dark times were nothin' compared to Joan d'Arc times. Seriously, dude, talk to Glass about that. He's down with that sh*t. Just sayin'.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Destroying the ring was tough, but it simply had to be done. I admit, I'll miss the power of invisibility...

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oh man, Daniel made a Joan D'arc joke last night and we forgot that too! This joke never ends. I love it.

    @Jason: Ha! That one's awesome.
    @Captain Morgan: A much better effort. I lol'ed.

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: The horror! The horror!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Okay, so here's the deal. In a couple days, we're doing this post again, but just with Bulie submissions. Keep 'em coming, you guys.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Every kid wants to BE Batman, but eventually you have to put away the cape and grow up.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Yeah they definitely put you to sleep when they perform back surgery. How is that relevant? Is that a camera?!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: My injury addiction is behind me for good now.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: You can read all my experiences in my upcoming memoir, Black Ice: How I Was Drafted by the Atlanta Thrashers.

    ReplyDelete
  27. brilliant. You guys almost made me laugh out loud in the middle of Economics class

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: The power came back on.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: I like turtles!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Narrator: The Dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: They say you can't get addicted to Grape Juice, but they're lying.

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Cody Angry! Cody Angry Long Time! Cody Find Brenda! Cody No Angry Now!

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Yeah for a while there I was into Modest Mouse but now, Thanks to Raffi Torres, I'm a Maroon 5 Guy!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.

    Hodgson: I must correct you my good man. Believe me, it is still there, you just cannot see it as it is utterly transparent and ultimately, undetectable. It is, in fact a huge part of what makes up Cody Hodgson as well as everyone any everything around us

    ReplyDelete
  31. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: At first I was discouraged by the diagnosis, but the doctors assured me that if Michael Jackson could live with Vitiligo so could I.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: It was a struggle, but I finally got my head out of the jersey's arm hole.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.

    Hodgson: My nightmares of being drafted by the Leafs have finally gone.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: That's the last time I model my fashion from a Corey Hart song.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: I used to model my game after Willie O'Ree. This joke works two ways. I'm a lovable scamp.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.

    Hodgson: It was rough when MJ first passed on, but every day I get a little more over it and I think I'm finally going to be able to carry on with my life.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Yeah I was real freaked out but Ballard says it's just a solar eclipse.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: The Nothing really is the worst part but the Story does End.

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: We just had to slingshot round that side of the moon to get enough momentum. Was pretty freaky being out of communication though.

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: I don't know if you heard by Manitoba is so flat is feels like the sky is falling.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Iain...also in victoriaFebruary 2, 2011 at 6:12 PM

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.

    Hodgson: For me they are, but Tanner Glass' dark times are about to start after he gets schooled in scrabble!

    ReplyDelete
  40. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Cocaine is one hell of a drug...

    ReplyDelete
  41. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: It took me until my second game, but I finally scored an NHL goal

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: No they haven't. Turns out it the light at the end of the tunnel was just a freight train.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: Actually, the dark times just start later in Vancouver, what with time zones and all. I'm expecting them to return in say three hours-ish.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: Yeah, I find this full shield much more protective to my sensitive orbital bone than that visor Kopitar tried to pawn off on me...

    ReplyDelete
  44. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.

    Hodgson: Now that I'm not trailing Lee Sweatt in career Nhl goals! seriously...Lee Sweatt

    ReplyDelete
  45. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Yeah, I dunno what I ate, but I had a nice light floater this morning.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Narrator: The dark time have passed for Cody Hodgson.

    Hodgson: Well I real-

    Kanye: Yo Hodgson, Imma let chu finish but Donnie Darko had some of the darkest times of all time. OF ALL TIME!

    ReplyDelete
  47. HAHAHAAHA! Reece! That was incredible. We make Kanye cracks all the time at practice. I'm surprised it took so long to see that.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.

    Hodgson: The dark times were rough, but it had to be done. Remember our conversation two years ago?
    ------------------------------------------------

    Narrator: The haters` won. Luongo`s Captaincy, everything he fought for - undone. Any chance you gave us at fixing our team dies with Luongo's reputation. We bet it all on him. The haters took the best of us and tore him down. People will lose hope.

    Hodgson: They won't. They must never know what he did.

    Narrator: 7 goals! You can't sweep that up!

    Hodgson: No. But the haters` cannot win. Vancouver needs its true hero.

    Narrator: No!

    Hodgson: "You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain." I can do those things because I'm not in the NHL, not like Luongo. I have a bad back! That's what I can be.

    Narrator: No, no! You can't, your back!

    Hodgson: I'm whatever Vancouver needs me to be. Call it in.

    Narrator: They'll hunt you.

    Hodgson: You'll hunt me. You'll condemn me, set the fans on me. Because that's what needs to happen. Because sometimes... our play isn't good enough. Sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.

    Young Canucks Fan: Hodgson? Hodgson! Why is he running, Narrator?

    Narrator: Because we have to make ridiculous stories about him and his injury.

    Young Canucks Fan: He didn't do anything wrong.

    Narrator: Because he's the NHLer Vancouver deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So, we'll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A Dark Prospect.
    ------------------------------------------------

    Narrator: So, uh, how's your back?
    Hodgson: Not cool.

    ReplyDelete
  49. JTam's = crazy delicious

    ReplyDelete
  50. The comments have turned this from a good post into my favorite post ever. You guys are awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  51. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: Yeah, and I'd especially like to thank Nick Kypreos and Doug Maclean for sending me a fresh picked rose every day of my recovery -- in fact, they're still sending them. Those guys really care.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: X-Men Origins really was a return to form.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: It wasn't that bad...I mean I'm not Sami Salo.

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: Yeah I realize now Wish You Were Here is a more solid album start to finish.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: Yeah, no one told me that Alba chick started doing films.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: I'd be happy about it if it hadn't happened at the Roxy at 4am, standing next to Shane O'Brien and what I thought was a Megan Fox doppelganger. Nothing good happens when the lights come on.. #RosieO'DonnellIsThatYou?

    ReplyDelete
  56. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: In the past few weeks I've realized that I much prefer Skeeter to Harrison over at Pass it to Bulis.

    *Note this joke only works if Skeeter is lighter than Harrison. It may also be racist. I'm not sure.

    ReplyDelete
  57. Ha ha, Section 312, Skeeter's white and I'm not, so the joke works. But since it's hecka racist, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE


    Just kidding. I laughed.

    ReplyDelete
  58. You know I'm your biggest fan Harrison. Not many people know that the 'E' stands for integrity.

    ReplyDelete
  59. Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: No thats just the absence of light.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...