Wednesday, February 23, 2011

From the What If Files: Vigneault Injected With Truth Serum

You, Brad Ziemer. You're the one I hate. I hate you.

Alain Vigneault is a coach who really knows how to use the media, not to garner attention, like Ron Wilson, but to make his team better. Some of us even go so far as to point out when he does it. Still, while Vigneault is at his most effective while using the media to his own advantage, it's hard to deny he's funniest when he loses his composure a little bit. Wouldn't it be great if, just once, he were biochemically forced to tel us all what he really thought? Consider the following scenario:

VANCOUVER -- Police are looking for a suspect who may have administered sodium amytal, a so-called "truth serum," to Canucks head coach Alain Vigneault Tuesday night before a media scrum.

The Canucks coach was tested for drugs after making several "overly appropriate" comments to the media following a 3-2 loss to the Montreal Canadiens.

"[expletive deleted]," Vigneault said to reporters. "[expletive deleted]. Bet [expletive deleted] Boudreau would [expletive deleted] be [expletive deleted] proud of that [expletive deleted] one, wouldn't he? [expletives deleted]."

Before what he called his "Gary Bettman hearing a Canadian team has made the Cup Final" impression, Vigneaut had several other comments, more printable but much less shocking.

"Before he even got to the microphone, he said 'Oh, you're here. I hate you so much,'" reported Brad Ziemer of Puckworld. "That was sort of a joke we have going where he pretends to hate me, and I pretend to be chicken little. Nothing odd about that."

It was Vigneault's later comments that raised eyebrows.

"That PK Subban's an annoying kid, isn't he?" Vigneault said. "He even had Kes getting back into old habits between whistles a bit. What a jerk."

When asked about the power play, Vigneault didn't -- probably physically couldn't -- mince words.

"Best power play in the league, and we can't score 5 on 3," Vigneault said, his voice getting louder than was really necessary. "We've never scored on a 5 on 3. If we're on the power play, seems the easiest way to stop us would be to take another penalty."

Vigneault then yelled expletives down the hall, calling Newell Brown out by name.

"I said before the game that we would play to our strengths and the Canadiens would play to theirs," Vigneault said. "Of course, that's hard for us, because we have so many strengths."

"It's easy for a team like Montreal, whose strengths include playing defensively, having a good goaltender, and representing the lollipop guild," Vigneault said. "Our strengths are offensive, defensive, on the power play, on the penalty kill, five on five, on the forecheck, on the backcheck, cycling, off the rush, and apparently on the Scrabble board."

This last was in reference, likely, to Tanner Glass and his upcoming Scrabble battle with immensely famous blogger Harrison Mooney.

Members of the media said the Canucks coach's frankness was surprising, but that they weren't above taking advantage.

"I asked if Gillis was likely to make a trade for a fourth line center during the deadline," said Iain MacIntyre, reporter for the Vancouver Sun. "He went on a complete tangent. It was pretty great."

"Oh, [expletive deleted], I forgot to give Hodgson a real chance out there," Vigneault said. "I should have known better. Oh well, two games to go."

"Gillis is always willing to make a trade," Vigneault continued. "He's not like Nonis. Nonis would stand pat at the deadline. Once, we were playing draw poker, and Nonis stood pat with four to a flush. It's just his way."

At this point, apparently remembering they had a job to do, Canucks personnel cut Vigneault's mic and escorted him away, but not before he punched one of them, shouting afterward, "I wish that had been Gary Bettman."

Mike Gillis was unavailable for comment regarding the incident, but Dave Nonis responded to Vigneault's comments, saying, "I had a pair, too."


  1. The "lollipop guild" is from the Wizard of Oz!!

  2. yes... yes it is.

  3. So it's called "sodium amytal"? Hmmmm... Duly noted. No reason.

  4. "If we're on the power play, seems the easiest way to stop us would be to take another penalty" the other teams know the trick :(

  5. Is that photo from AV!'s defense attorney days? "OBJECTION!"

  6. @Wisp - Gasp! A Phoenix Wright reference! Heh, I didn't even think of that when I saw the photo. ^_^

    @Qris - That was absolutely hilarious! =D

  7. I want to punch Gary Bettman too, but we don't get everything now do we?


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