Saturday, December 18, 2010

Daniel's Worst Christmas - An Original Holiday Tale


Daniel's Worst Christmas is a poetic retelling of the Canucks' 2009-10 season, in which an injury to Daniel Sedin led to a Hart trophy season for his twin brother, Henrik. But that wasn't the whole story...


In early October, when Santa is plotting
His route for the big Christmas nights
He looks to his wife, who is expert at spotting
Potentially huge oversights.

But last year, when Santa approached her to study
His game plan, he found she was sick.
With worriment said he, "I must find a buddy,
To stand in for Mrs. St. Nick!"

He looked in his workshop, but nobody in there
Was quite up to filling the gap.
He checked in the stable, but only saw reindeer.
Just antlers and caribou crap.


He looked on his good list, and there saw a brother,
The most loyal he'd ever seen.
A Swede who could play right-hand man like no other:
Canucks' winger, Daniel Sedin.

"Oh ho!" said he, "Daniel's a true second fiddle!"
He laughed a laugh heard North Pole-wide.
"His twin brother Henrik's the guy in the middle,
But Daniel just stays at his side!"

So down to Vancouver went Santa, with moxie.
Without Daniel, Christmas was sunk!
The first place he looked was the back of the Roxy.
He only found Patrick Kane, drunk.

Eventually, Santa found Daniel, inhaling
A huge cup of coffee, straight black.
He told Sedin how Mrs. Claus had been ailing,
And begged him to come with him back.


"I can't go," said Daniel, politely refusing,
"We'll lose if I'm not there to score.
But Santa shrugged, "Thirty-nine seasons of losing?
Canuck fans can lose a few more."

"Commissioner Bettman won't go for this, you'll see,"
Said Daniel, "His heart's black as coal.
If Bettman won't let us play hockey in Sochi,
He won't let me near the North Pole."

"I know Bettman well," Santa said, nearly stewing,
"He once was my most cloddish elf.
I fired him for bungling. But, looks like he's doing,
Incredibly well for himself."

"Forget him," said Santa, "Your presence is vital!
A world without Christmas is close!
The wave of dashed hopes and distress would be tidal,


"We'll tell all the fans that your foot's broken. Tragic,
But they'll understand. Whereupon,
I'll bless your twin brother with Santa Claus magic.
He'll play twice as good while you're gone!"

"Well, not too good," Daniel said, "Too good's forbidden."
He chuckled, then let out a scoff.
"He once got an all-star invite but I didn't.
It's petty, but that pissed me off."

"I don't want to see Henrik winning a trophy,
Or even worse, two! That'd be grim!
To save face, I might have to pay off Mike Brophy,


Thus, Daniel Sedin headed back to the fact'ry,
To tend to St. Nick's sudden need.
And Henrik Sedin started scoring, exactly
As Kris Kringle's blessing decreed.

And Santa, with Daniel on board, resumed making
His Christmas list, checking it twice.
He started by sorting the presents, and taking
Full stock of the naughty and nice.

"As usual, Pronger's been naughty," said Santa,
"His elbows and stomps make me cross.
Perhaps I could get him a trade to Atlanta,
Or better: a cup finals loss."

"And what should I get for the Calgary Sutters?
So long as they're running the thing,
Their team might appreciate fancy new putters
To help pass the time every spring."

"For Lou Lamoriello, a big piece of charcoal
Named Ilya. He'll be highly-sought.
His previous totals will sparkle and sparkle;
His play and his cap hit will not."


"To disciplinarian Campbell is given
A freshly-wiped e-mail inbox.
For Blackhawks fans, Vince Vaughn and Jeremy Piven.
The blogosphere, Damien Cox."

And thusly, did Daniel miss five weeks of hockey,
To sort the gifts, goodly and grim:
For frail Sami Salo, a lone stick of Pocky,
The one thing more fragile than him.

And when they were finished, said Santa Claus, grateful,
"You saved me! Saved Christmas, at that!
Hey, bring my good friend Kyle Wellwood this plateful
Of bagel bites. Man, is he fat."

And so Santa brought Sedin back to Vancouver
By sleigh, as he promised he would.
But there, they discovered his magic maneuver
Had made brother Henrik too good.

"He's scoring at will!" Daniel said, in a fury.
"He got a damn hat-trick last night!
I said make him Jeff Cowan, not Pavel Bure!
Mösspräst, Santa! Make it all right!"

He's scoring in ways unbeknown!"
But Santa was already gone (he's a coward),
And Daniel was left all alone.

The advent of Henrik alone was the story,
So Daniel tried coming on strong.
But Henrik, awash in that Santa Claus glory,
Just racked up points all season long.



The praises for Henrik were loud and ham-fisted,
And Daniel collateral dross.
It couldn't be stopped; no goal went unassisted.
He tragically won the Art Ross.

And worse yet, the Art Ross became a preamble
For Hart talk, among analysts.
To silence it, Daniel extorted Ken Campbell

But nothing can fight Christmas magic. Ovechkins
And Crosbies could never cut through,
(A lot like the Broncos could not stop the Redskins

Though Henrik's last name was misspoken as "Sedden",
He won on that Las Vegas stage.
And down in the crowd, brother Daniel did redden,
Cheeks flush with competitive rage.

A season removed now from Henrik's ascendance,
Each instance that Daniel might score,
He thinks of last Christmas, then roofs it with vengeance,
And hates Santa Claus all the more.


12 comments:

  1. Harrison:

    Long-time reader, first time commenter. I have read and enjoyed PITB since this past summer, and I've often considered commenting earlier, but have decided not to for one reason or another...but I could no longer resist! This poem is AWESOME! So creative! So hilarious! So accurate!

    Keep on doing what you guys are doing. I thoroughly enjoy your insight, fandom, and creativity (my personal favourite has got to be the term "Wizardous Sedinerie"). Merry Christmas!

    PS Say hi to Skeeter from a fellow long-term Birch Boy.

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  2. Nicely done. Is there any chance we will get to hear this put to music? I'll give you a triple word score for rhyming Sedden with redden.

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  3. as a broncos fan im pissed, but i should be used to that by now so ill focus on the poetry. well done

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  4. I'm CRYING

    One of the most beautiful posts I've ever set my eyes on. Love the creative poem, illustrations, everything.

    THIS is why you guys are my favourite hockey blog

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  5. Great job!

    This is why you guys are my favorite blog. Keep it up!

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  6. Wow. You guys are getting so famous you're actually getting trolls from other teams on here.

    Congrats!

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  7. Ha ha, I love it! I forgot to say I loved it, I think. (Also: how spectacularly crap everything looks all blown up! Time for a scanner-fixing party.) Fun to draw and metrically solid, too (I want to say dactylic?).

    Anyway, excellent, etc

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  8. Genius. Please tell me you began this over the summer and have been meticulously hashing out all the details ever since. If you tell me you whipped this up in the last couple days on impulse I may conclude that you could be saving the world instead of blogging about hockey.

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  9. J21, I whipped it up in a couple days. But if there was a way to save the world through poetry, I think Sylvia Plath might have kept her head out of the oven.

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  10. Not through poetry. Instead of poetry, my friend.

    Brain power is fungible. For every thirty-one page HFBoards post analyzing the Canucks' latest fourth-line callup, imagine how that collective wisdom could have been channelled into nuclear disarmament or alternative farming techniques.

    OK, bad example. But time and energy are fungible too -- they [we] could have been building skyscrapers!

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  11. Well, all I know how to do is write.

    Skyscrapers made of poesie? How noble a concept.

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  12. Oh man
    *wipes tear from eye*
    you don't know how much I laughed at that. Keep up the great work!

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