The Canuck Academy Awards

In honor of the Academy Awards coming up this Sunday, we here at Pass it to Bulis have taken it upon ourselves to award our own versions of the Academy Awards to our beloved Vancouver Canucks. Like the actual Academy Awards, it's incredibly self-congratulatory, but that's just fine. After all, the Canucks are first place in the NHL, Daniel is leading the NHL in points, and Pass it to Bulis gets more and more famous every day. So let's take this opportunity to feel good about the team, pat each other on the back, and dress up like we're going to a shindig on Persephone.

I Watched This Game: Canucks at Sharks, January 03, 2011

Canucks 4 - 3 Sharks

The Canucks came into San Jose to play their third road game in four nights. Unbeaten in five, and expected to be dog-tired, there was a sense among Canuck nation that a loss to San Jose was as inevitable as the extraplanar robots that chase down lawbreakers. The Sharks came into this game fourth in the Western Conference, and with their continued employment of Joe Thornton, Dany Heatley, and Dan Boyle, looked to be formidable foes.

They were formidable foes. That said, they still got beat by a Canucks team that has seemingly forgotten how to lose. As a born loser, I'm here if they need the help, but I don't think they'll call. In the meantime, I guess Daniel and I will just have to sit around watching them win, like we did tonight when we watched this game:

• The Second Law of Sedinery: if the Sedins find themselves alone behind the defense, you may as well go line up at center ice. They will score. The opening goal (above), off a turnover by Joe Thornton (and not Jason Demers, as crazy old John Garrett insisted), is a classic case of Wizardous Sedinerie. Antti Niemi made a common mistake and got Daniel confused with Henrik. Had he realized that Henrik had the first touch, he might have realized Daniel was about to get the second. Instead, he anticipated a shot from Henrik Sedin. Rookie mistake. Also a rookie mistake? Letting Gary Busey date your mom.

• Speaking of Rookie of the Year, let's talk about casts. The second-line featured a rotating one, as Jannik Hansen, Jeff Tambellini, and Mason Raymond all saw time as Ryan Kesler's wings. When Tambellini and Raymond were together, they showed the potential to be the fastest duo since Northstar and Aurora. (Other similarities: both duos are Canadian, and spend an inordinate amount of time in dark blue. Differences: Raymond's not gay, and Tambellini's not a woman.) Anyway, Raymond and Hansen finished the night on that line, and Hansen may have re-won his spot there with this game-tying goal late in the second period. Early in the season, I grumbled about Hansen spending time on the second line--the old Jannik finished his checks but not his scoring chances. That said, like a piece of furniture haunted by the ghost of a carpenter, Hansen has magically developed finish. #WorstAnalogyAward

• What was going on during the Canucks second goal? Ehrhoff and Edler apparently switched places with Daniel and Henrik, briefly becoming the forwards on the rush. They didn't do too badly, either. Perhaps Edler felt slighted when Skeeter suggested he didn't have the stuff to play center, or perhaps the Sedins felt pigeonholed as offensive wizards and wanted a chance to play defense. Third option: the Sedins forgot that the teams switched ends for the second, and were thrilled about being in behind the defense for a second time.

• Tanner Glass played 8:25 tonight, which is about on par with his usual minutes, except that he spent ten minutes in the box for two fights (a full one-sixth of the game). The fourth line in general was noticeable tonight, spending a lot of time in the offensive zone. Chalk this up to the return of Mason Raymond, which has banished a top-nine player to the bottom three. And, while the line may not have seen an increase in minutes, they saw a definite increase in third period minutes, as Alain Vigneault trusted them with late shifts in a close game.

• Part of this might have been a desire to play fresh guys on the back-to-back games, but another part might have been that Alex Bolduc was winning faceoffs when Henrik Sedin and Ryan Kesler weren't. For the third straight game, the Canucks lost the faceoff battle, although this time by a very narrow margin. Manny Malhotra was his usual stalwart self, winning 14-of-18, including all six in the defensive zone. Just Manny being Manny. The other two big drawmen were kind of crummy. Kind of really crummy. Kesler was 35% in the circle. Henrik was 27%.

• Continuing the negativity, on San Jose's first goal, Rome needs to cover Clowe in front of the net, not the random patch of ice to Schneider's left, which he so ably defended. On San Jose's second goal, Henrik needs to not be in the box. Captain Hook strikes again. On San Jose's third goal, Schneider needs to remove all banana peels from his crease prior to the start of the period. Open letter to Rollie Melanson: get on that.

• Christian Ehrhoff was good tonight. He facilitated breakouts like working at McDonald's, had 5 shots, blocked 4, and picked up two assists. I've heard fans saying that, now that Bieksa's playing well, we should trade Ehrhoff instead. Tonight, Ehrhoff showed San Jose why they never should have let him go; let's not wish that same regret upon ourselves.
  

• Like Evangeline Lilly in a Live Links commercial, Mason Raymond draws a lot of calls. It's good to see him buzzing around the offensive zone, falling down like Cory Schneider.

• Not to rag on Cory Schneider too much. Despite his shaky moments, such as collapsing like a Jenga tower in a rowboat, he made some incredible saves, and also let in less goals than Antti Niemi. These are both positives. The Canucks are now 7-0-2 when Schneider starts.

• Worst outfit of the night goes to Dan Murphy, who wore an ugly tie that looked like it was made of dried beef broth. Someone needs to get him on What Not to Wear immediately. Seriously, where did he get it? The toilet store?

• Observation: every time the puck goes over the glass, pro hockey players become children stargazing with their fathers. They point with such enthusiasm it's embarrassing. Look, Dad, a shooting star! Didja see it? Didja?
  
• Word was Kesler might sit this one out after taking a shot to the foot in the game prior, but he wound up playing twenty-three very effective minutes. He put up four shots, as well as attempting another six, one of which hit the crossbar after a beautiful tip.
  

• Speaking of shots, the Canucks put up 47 and attempted 70. They peppered Niemi like a flavourless steak. A ton of those shots ended up in Niemi's glove, which the Canucks apparently hate as much as the shooter in The Jerk hates oil cans. The Canucks won the last game against the Sharks with considerable hittiness, but tonight, shootiness was their primary asset.

• And finally, let's give major credit to Alex Burrows, who took it upon himself to win da turd by scoring the game-winner halfway into da turd. The refs reviewed it for something that isn't reviewable but, since many officials still sort of hate Burr for that thing that happened, it makes sense.
  

I Watched This Game: Canucks vs. Blues, December 5, 2010

and Daniel "Skeeter" Wagner

Canucks 2 - 3 Blues

Well, the Canucks lost. We don't even need to turn on the radio, or open the newspaper (or, God forbid, go to the Canucks.com forums) in order to know what the fickle fanbase is saying. They are saying: drat. And also much worse things. Trade Bieksa. Fire AV. Send Rome back to the press box. Women and children first. Burn the photo albums. Eat the living.

But before we start clamoring for our pound of flesh, let's be honest: it would take more than one pound to satisfy this many people. Instead, let's follow the lead of this season's Vancouver Canucks, and keep a level head. Two teams played tonight. One team won. Incidentally, the other team lost. Unfortunately (for our wives, who now have to deal with mopey husbands), we watched:

• When the Canucks lose, people blame Bieksa. He is easy to blame, like the kid that doesn't speak English. To that I say: poppycock. Bieksa does speak English; don't blame him. He had a few shaky moments, but Juice played 23 minutes, and in that time, he was even, with a goal (above), 6 hits, and 6 blocked shots.

• Obvious point: the Canucks were missing Mason Raymond tonight. They missed him more than I miss my G&L ASAT Classic Semi-Hollow when I'm away from home. His bout with the flu moved Jannik Hansen up to the second line, where he was usual pesterly self, scoring the Canuck's first goal by simply going hard to the net and keeping his eyes on the puck and stick on the ice. But his presence on the second line meant his absence was felt in the bottom-six.

• Alex Steen may have scored twice tonight, but Ryan Kesler was the best forward on the ice. He and Jannik Hansen were clearly on their games. Unfortunately, the rest of the Canucks forwards were not. It's not that they were terrible, they just weren't good. Kesler, on the other hand, shot like Nicolas Cage in Con Air, won faceoffs like Nicolas Cage in Face/Off, and dangled like Nicolas Cage in his unreleased sex tape (we assume). Unlike Nicolas Cage, he was quite good.

• Seriously, Kesler was incredible in the faceoff circle tonight. He won 13 and lost 2. Not to be outdone (although he slightly was), Manny Malhotra won 17 and lost 5. Again, he was primarily used in the defensive zone, where he went 12-for-14. Henrik had his second consecutive sub-par evening, going 8-for-17. The Sedins weren't bad tonight, but you've got to think that winning possession only 5 out of 11 times they started in the offensive zone cut down on their chances.

• I have a bone to pick and a few to break. When a colour guy claims the puck beat the goalie but not the post, he is wallowing in ignorance. The goaltender tends the vacant area inside the posts; he does not tend the posts. He is, in fact, a netminder, as he only minds the net. The net is attached to the post; it is not the post. The post is a post. This is to say that the goaltender was not beat. If the puck goes past the goalie and into the end boards, nobody says, he beat the goalie, but not the end boards. Tip: if it doesn't count as a shot on net, it doesn't need to be saved.

• On the plus side for the broadcast team, Shorty is awesome. I loved when he started complaining that the instigator is never called anymore after Coliacavo cross-checked Ballard in the face in retaliation for a hip check. Shorty: is a cross-check not an instigation? Garrett: It's a cross-checking penalty. Shorty: Is a cross-check not a way to instigate a fight?

• That said, this is the second game in a row where Ballard has been cross-checked in the face. Luongo may have a head made for poking, but Ballard has a face made for perpendicular stick shafts.

• Not to question AV's coaching, but I have a few questions, vis-a-vis, AV's coaching. First, what's up with Keith Ballard? He was plus-2 and had 1 assist tonight in his usual 13 minutes of ice time. Second, what's up with Keith Ballard's minutes? He should play more, considering he was on the ice for both Vancouver goals and none of St. Louis's. Third, what up with that? Is this because he fell down once? I fall down all the time. Life doesn't reduce my minutes..... does it?

• It doesn't, does it? I mean, seriously, I'm freaking out.

• If you're looking for someone to blame, look to the E section of the Canucks' roster. The Ehrhoff/Edler pairing were both minus-2 in a tight game. Both looked out of sync tonight. On a good night, they're going to register more than 3 shots between them. We noticed their powerplay work was a bit off, as their timing on pinches down the boards was creaky, and it lost zone possession on a few crucial instances. In fact, if you're ever wondering where to start on the statsheet, look to Christian Ehrhoff's plus/minus. It's his whole game; he whistles up and down that stat line. He's always on the ice for goals--you just hope they're for the Canucks.

• Dan Hamhuis had an iffy game as well. He had five shots blocked. It goes without saying your defenders need to get their shots through. But we said it anyway. We are a team of Mavericks. Skeeter is the consummate Maverick.

• More blame could go to the Canucks powerplay, which was 0-for-5, but the real reason the Canucks lost? They didn't #WinDaTurd. You see, locked in a tie going into da turd, winning da turd would have, ergo, won da game.

• We were hoping Brad Winchester would have a bad night and be responsible for a goal or something, so we could make the following joke: Winchester is bad at keeping out goals. Also, zombies.

• So it turns out I fall down all the time because I'm dying. You've won this round, life.