The Chicago Blackhawks Are Bad

After two consecutive playoff oustings, you'd think it would be difficult to find a Vancouver Canucks fan who has anything but ill will for the Chicago Blackhawks. Unfortunately, this isn't the case, as some people think the Blackhawks are all right. Yes, some people have a hard time hating a team with plenty of ties to the West Coast. Some people watched Jonathan Toews lead Canada to an Olympic gold medal, and they think he's A-okay. And some people simply have the Blackhawks confused with other things. Good things. Things for which they feel fondness.

It's time to clear this up once and for all. People, hear me: the Chicago Blackhawks are bad. BAD. If you think they are good, you obviously have them confused with something else. That thing cannot possibly be the Blackhawks, because the Blackhawks are bad.

You may be thinking of Black Hawk, the Lakota artist whose 76 colour drawings are a part of Native American ledger art history. Black Hawk is admirable and sympathetic, especially since he was killed in the Wounded Knee Massacre of 1890. If you feel admiration and sympathy, you're likely thinking of Black Hawk. You couldn't possibly be thinking of the Chicago Blackhawks, who are neither admirable nor sympathetic. They are the worst kind of bad. They're named after atrocities.

Factual Inaccuracies in "How The West Was One"

Local musician Kyprios has released a new song, "How The West Was One," a Canuck anthem just in time for the playoffs. It's a decent song, actually, with some slick production and decent flow. I like it. Though he drops fewer rhymes than the Bible's got psalms, Kyprios demonstrates a legit knowledge of the Canucks and proves himself a true fan. There are, however, some factual inaccuracies in the lyrics, which, as a super-famous Canuck blog co-writer, I feel obliged to correct, so as to avoid spreading fallacies amongst the Canuck fanbase.

From the What If Files: Aaron Rome's Empty-Net Goal

On March 29, in the dying seconds of a road game versus the Nashville Predators, Canucks' defenseman Aaron Rome scored his first goal as a Canuck. It was a 200-foot empty-netter, but that didn't make it any less special for Vancouver, who celebrated the rare occurrence (it was Rome's 100th game with the team) by mobbing him like he'd scored an overtime winner.

This touching moment almost didn't happen. As the puck drifted towards the goal line, Henrik Sedin quit skating and stuck his arms out, so as to prevent anybody from spoiling the moment. In that instant, any number of shocking things could have gone awry. Below, PITB has imagined three very plausible scenarios, with adorable artist's renderings by the fabulously talented Chloe Ezra.

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SCENARIO 1

Henrik skates like wildfire, catching up to the puck eight inches from the goal line. He changes its trajectory by one degree, earning credit for the goal. Then, before a stunned arena, he tears the C off his jersey, flashes the double guns Shane O'Brien style, and skates off, chanting "Henrik! Henrik!"

Artist's Rendering

20 Reasons Daniel Sedin Is Bad at Penalty Shots

"I suck at this."

With Daniel Sedin's failed penalty shot attempt Friday, the NHL scoring leader is now 0-for-4 in his career on penalty shots, and it's never really been close. He's bad at it. He's so bad at it that Alain Vigneault used this most recent non-goal as an example of why Daniel never gets a chance in the shootout. It's a strange anomaly, really, especially considering that Daniel Sedin is a pretty fabulous scorer. Furthermore, he's in possession of one of the NHL's most accurate shots. You'd think he'd be money in these situations, but it would seem penalty shots and shootouts just aren't particularly suited for his game. Here are 20 possible explanations:

Injury to Malhotra Gives the Canucks Someone to "Do it For"

Yesterday, we learned that the Canucks will be without Manny Malhotra for the rest of the season due to eye injury. It was difficult to digest, and not just because Malhotra is a fantastic human being who doesn't deserve this terrible misfortune. Also, because Malhotra has been an invaluable member of the Canucks forward corps this season, and his contributions are irreplaceable. Since joining the team in the offseason, Manny has enlivened Vancouver's faceoff percentage, given their third line a cohesive identity, allowed the Canucks' offensive superstars to focus on scoring, and even reversed the Canucks' bad luck with bald players (after such winners as Eric Weinrich and Jan Bulis). Malhotra has done a lot, and his absence will be impossible not to feel.

But this doesn't mean the Canucks can't win without him, because they can. In fact, it's likely that they will win because of this unfortunate incident. I say this not to be insensitive or flippant, but because I've watched a lot of sports movies, and if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that no team can win the championship until a role player goes down with an injury, thereby giving the team somebody to do it for.

Canucks Bandwagon Fan Cheat Sheet Appendix

Back in January, we posted our second annual Canucks Bandwagon Fan Cheat Sheet, a guide to all of the players on the Vancouver Canucks for the recently baptized Canucks fan. It was an excellent introduction to the team for wives of diehard fans, Vancouverites who just noticed that the Canucks are at the top of the NHL standings, and Canadian hockey fans whose teams haven't won a game in the last 5 weeks.

The cheat sheet, unfortunately, is a little out of date. With the plethora of injuries to the Canucks' defensive corps, a number of prospects unexpectedly made their NHL debut. Additionally, the trade deadline brought two new players into the fold. With that in mind, we are introducing the first ever Appendix to the Bandwagon Fan Cheat Sheet.

Raffi Torres, Human Bowling Ball: Photoshop Gallery 1

You might recall the Raffi Torres bowling ball image (BallTor) from the minor photoshop party we tried to jumpstart last week. It comes from this goal, Raffi's second of the night in a 5-2 win over the Dallas Stars. The goal led to this photo, which is wonderful for many, many reasons, chief amongst them the fact that Raffi, often referred to as a human bowling ball, couldn't have looked more like one if he'd worn all black and let someone put fingers in his eyes and mouth.

Anyhow, the meme has begun to take off, and PITB's gifted scores of doctored Raffi Torres photos in the last few days. We've seen a byfuglienian buttload of good ones at this point, and it's high time we shared some with you. Behold, gallery 1:

From the What If Files: Vigneault Injected With Truth Serum

You, Brad Ziemer. You're the one I hate. I hate you.

Alain Vigneault is a coach who really knows how to use the media, not to garner attention, like Ron Wilson, but to make his team better. Some of us even go so far as to point out when he does it. Still, while Vigneault is at his most effective while using the media to his own advantage, it's hard to deny he's funniest when he loses his composure a little bit. Wouldn't it be great if, just once, he were biochemically forced to tel us all what he really thought? Consider the following scenario:

VANCOUVER -- Police are looking for a suspect who may have administered sodium amytal, a so-called "truth serum," to Canucks head coach Alain Vigneault Tuesday night before a media scrum.

The Canucks coach was tested for drugs after making several "overly appropriate" comments to the media following a 3-2 loss to the Montreal Canadiens.

"[expletive deleted]," Vigneault said to reporters. "[expletive deleted]. Bet [expletive deleted] Boudreau would [expletive deleted] be [expletive deleted] proud of that [expletive deleted] one, wouldn't he? [expletives deleted]."

Before what he called his "Gary Bettman hearing a Canadian team has made the Cup Final" impression, Vigneaut had several other comments, more printable but much less shocking.

The Canuck Academy Awards

In honor of the Academy Awards coming up this Sunday, we here at Pass it to Bulis have taken it upon ourselves to award our own versions of the Academy Awards to our beloved Vancouver Canucks. Like the actual Academy Awards, it's incredibly self-congratulatory, but that's just fine. After all, the Canucks are first place in the NHL, Daniel is leading the NHL in points, and Pass it to Bulis gets more and more famous every day. So let's take this opportunity to feel good about the team, pat each other on the back, and dress up like we're going to a shindig on Persephone.

Conversation Hearts, For the NHLer Who Simply Can't Find the Words

Sometimes, you just can't find the words, and on a day like Valentine's Day--a day especially made for the expression of true-hearted sentiment--that simply will not do. Thankfully, when your tongue gets tied, you can reach into a box of Sweethearts and find the secrets of your heart already expressed (provided the secrets of your heart fit on the candy).Well, NHLers are no different, and this Valentine's Day, they're here to tell you, sometimes the words are on the tip of your tongue, if you're eating a piece of candy that has those words on it:

From: Alex Burrows | To: Teammates

From: The Puck | To: Jannik Hansen

More of Cody Hodgson's Dark Times, With Hilarious Submissions By Readers Not Unlike You

If you're new to Cody Hodgson's dark times, I recommend you go back and read the original post that led to this one. If, however, you're averse to doing research just to get a pretty lame joke, here's a short primer: in an intermission segment about Cody Hodgson's injury troubles, the narration included the hyperbolic statement "The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson." Skeeter and I started riffing on the phrase and its potential responses. Soon, a PITB-only meme was born. Here are a few original examples:

• Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
  Hodgson: It was a good pass, too. Tape-to-tape. I had the whole net to shoot at.
  

• Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
  Hodgson: I cast magic missile at the darkness. It didn't work very well.

As you can see, the joke has myriad possibilities, and the Bulie response to this joke was maybe (read: definitely) funnier than the original post. After the jump, proof that we have awesome readers:

The Dark Times Have Passed For Cody Hodgson

In case you just awoke from a hockey coma, you've probably heard that Cody Hodgson, prized prospect of the Vancouver Canucks, played his first NHL game yesterday. It's been a long time coming for Hodgson, who has overcome a boatload of misinformation, intrusive media coverage, rampant speculation and injury troubles just to get here. But now he's here, and we rejoice, not just because of what he had to go through, but because the hyperbole and panic surrounding Cody should subside.

During last night's game, Hodgson was featured in an intermission segment about his first NHL game which used the phrase, "The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson," before making a cut to Hodgson for an uninteresting quote about injuries. I don't even recall what he said--I just remember thinking that Hodgson's follow-up sentence could have gone in so many better ways. Somehow, I expect a phrase like the dark times have passed to be followed up with a story about how someone overcame full-on vampirism. Imagine this exchange:

• Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
  Hodgson: I used to be a vampire.

Now that's some badass journalism right there. But that's just me. From where I'm sitting, it could have gone in so many better directions. After the jump, we envision the myriad possible responses to this open-ended lead-in:

Burrows Interviews Bieksa, Unwittingly Reveals Himself as Passionate Romantic

If you haven't seen this fantastic video of Alex Burrows interviewing Kevin Bieksa from ESPN.com, you are missing out. It is remarkably hilarious.

Many stick taps and gloved taps on the helmet to Nucks Misconduct.

Your Canucks Bandwagon Fan Cheat Sheet, 2010-11 Season

Raymond = Fast

Last year, we introduced the inaugural Canucks Bandwagon cheat sheet to give aid to the less informed, less involved fan who wanted to feel a part of the Canucks' playoff run. Unfortunately, two weeks later, the Canucks were eliminated by the Blackhawks, and the cheat sheet was forgotten.

It's eight months later, however, and the Canucks are once again the talk of the town. They've vaulted to the top of the NHL standings; Bodog thinks they're the odds-on favourite to win the Stanley Cup; the buzz is palpable. Its fair-weather for fans, which often means an onslaught of fairweather fans. But if you're going to be a Canucks fan, the last thing you want is to be smoked out as a bandwagoner. Diehard fans don't take kindly to conditional ones.

So how do you pass for a lifer? You need to know your team. And that's where PITB comes in. This year's Bandwagon Canucks Fan Cheat Sheet--a geyser of valuable information--will tell you everything you need to know about the Vancouver Canucks roster.

20 More Things Overheard at the NHL War Room

I know, I know. I did this joke yesterday. Cut me some slack. I can't even fully explain how much fun these are to come up with. You should try it. Tweet us @passittobulis, with the hashtag #NHLWarRoomQuotes. Here are twenty more things overheard at the NHL War Room:

1. "Okay, Mr. VanMassenhoven. Pick a number, then a colour, then a number."
   
2. "A lot of people said I was crazy to hire an all-blind team, but look at us now. Oh right, you can't."
   
3. "It's hard to make out... can we zoom in? Why did we pick such a dirty coin? I can't read heads or tails. Inconclusive."
   
4. "I'm torn. Both teams are from Canada, but we have to rule in favour of one of them."
   
5. "Wait, zoom in. Is that a tattoo?"
   
6. "I can't see it on camera, but I was just reading about object permanence. Did you know it has to be somewhere?"
   
7. "If you listen closely, you can hear him thinking about blowing the whistle just before the puck goes in."
   
8. "Hey, this is alfredo sauce! I said pomodoro sauce! This is the last time we order Italian. Rule against Luongo."
   
9. "Bad news, guys. We've all gotta stay late--I just found out the Canucks play tonight. Hey! Relax. Your beef is with Vancouver, not me."
   
10. "I don't think that should count. The goalie couldn't see it."
    
11. "Good news, guys! The NHL has asked us to pick the musical act for the All-Star Game. Let's put our heads together and see if we can't come up with something everyone will like."
    
12. "Okay, I was just looking through yesterday's logs, and it says here that someone ruled in favour of Buffalo. What the Hell! We've talked about this!"
    
13. "This clip is boring. Change it to Two and a Half Men."
    
14. "Did anyone else see Double Moustache Man?"
    
15. "That's a clean hit. The head is part of the shoulder, right?"
    
16. "I'm so sick of the officials calling us. Do we have to hold their hand through everything?"
    
17. "Hey, switch to the net cam. Ha ha, look how big his ass looks."
    
18. "The puck is black, right?"
    
19. "Tell them we couldn't see the puck so the call on the ice stands. Gosh, this will be a lot easier when the power comes back on."
    
20. "Get the Braille rule book."
    

20 Things Overheard in the NHL War Room

Last night's contentious decision from the NHL War Room--in which they defied their own precedent and overruled an on-ice no-goal call despite inconclusive evidence--was just another bit of proof that Colin Campbell and his crack squad of AV geeks have literally no idea what they're doing. And, in case you weren't convinced, PITB's recently-dispatched War Room spy has returned, reporting twenty of the most remarkable #NHLWarRoomQuotes he's heard:

1. "Vancouver's on the phone. Don't they know what time it is?"
   
2. "How did we do it last time?"
   
3. "What does 'distinct' mean, anyway? There's literally no way of knowing."
   
4. "Man, that's a tough call. Unplug the phone."
   
5. "I think it's a touchdown."
   
6. "I told them, I don't know much about hockey, but I was Dan Hartman's synth player, so I've got a lot of experience with Instant Replay."
   
7. "Crap, I think Canada's on to us."
   
8. He knocked it down with a high stick and then he kicked it in, but it's Gregory, so count it.
   
9. "What part of 'inconclusive' don't you understand? I said I'm on break."
   
10. "I can't decide. Load the mousetraps and get the mouse."
    
11. "Is that the rule? Somebody Google it."
    
12. "Did you know I interviewed for their vacant general manager position? I didn't get it. Anyway, no goal."
    
13. "I can't see it--the crossbar's in the way. Oh wait, it's just a Twizzler on the monitor again."


14. "FSN Pittsburgh has another angle, but they said it would take four to six weeks for delivery."
    
15. "Zoom in. Now increase the pixels."
    
16. "Let's just say 'he intended to blow the whistle'. Then amend the rule before people start snooping around. Unplug the phone."
    
17. "He's faking it. That's fake blood."
    
18. "Call it a goal. Nobody's watching anyway."
    
19. "Bwa ha ha, screw the Sabres."
    
20. "Guys, we suck at this."

Shirokov's Playing, So Who Sits?

Yes, this picture is from the future. Don't ask how we got it.

Earlier today, news broke that the Canucks had recalled Manitoba's leading scorer Sergei Shirokov, likely in response to my goading. Shirokov becomes the thirteenth forward on the Canucks' active roster, a spot that opened up when Alex Bolduc went down with another shoulder injury. Despite joining a team with twelve healthy forwards, however, Shirokov will immediately draw into the lineup in Colorado.

This is wisdom for two reasons: first, the Canucks are having a wee bit of trouble scoring goals lately. Vancouver is suffering through a perfect storm of scoring slumps right now, as half the forward corps seems suddenly incapable of bringing offense. Fans in Minnesota and New York would be forgiven for thinking Jonathan Roy is more likely to beat a goaltender than this team's forwards. Second, Shirokov is in the midst of a 12-game point streak. He's hot now. You don't call a guy like that up just to sit him; good on the Canucks for rewarding his strong play with an immediate spot in the lineup.

But who's sitting if Shirokov isn't? Gord McIntyre speculates that it might be Jeff Tambellini, and while it may well be, it's not that cut and dry. There are five guys who might find themselves sitting next to Derek Jory tomorrow night. After the jump, PITB examines who they are and why they might be in line for a benching.

The Canucks Need More Creative Pranks

Look at the photo above. That's Keith Ballard. In a hockey bag. In a trash can. The photo is so embarrassing that he asked Derek Jory to do a story on it so he wouldn't look so bad. Guess what? Turns out, having the facts makes it worse.

I'd like you to join with me in imagining something. Close your eyes. Well, don't, 'cause you can't read that way, but imagine just the same. Imagine you're in a big blue bag, waiting to say boo and scare someone when they open it. Imagine how funny it'll be. You hear footsteps. Is that your target? You hear a voice. Who's in there? You have been swiftly busted. Then you feel the bag being pushed onto the floor and you're being kicked repeatedly. Grasping for the zipper, you have a hard time getting to it, as your intended target is beating on you. I want you to roll that Fail around in your mind.

Keith Ballard really needs to step it up in the pranks department.

Tanner Glass Fighting Bears

Tanner Glass, doing valuable research like a good Dartmouth alum.

Last night, Tanner Glass knocked out Islander forward Matt Martin with a brutal haymaker. It was an impressive punch, and perhaps even moreso for Canuck fans, who are used to Glass holding his own in fights, but rarely winning them outright. According to HockeyFights.com, Glass has fought twenty-five times in a Canucks uniform and seven times this season. Do you remember any of them? Not really. But you'll remember last night's, and so will Matt Martin.

So where, exactly, did the Scrabble Champ develop such a mean right hook? PITB is here to tell you: fighting bears. Word is he's been doing a little bare-knuckle bear boxing on the sly. Well, the secret's out. Here's photo evidence that isn't in any way photoshopped:

From the 'What If' Files: The Luongo Hat-Trick

Having gone 16-1-2 in their last nineteen games (or, 13-1-2 since Head Poke Kid), the Canucks are riding a wave of positivity so grand it makes unbiased reporting impossible. How can the Vancouver media, typically blessed to cover a team so consistently mediocre, remain neutral when the play of the Canucks is awe-inspiring?

Nitpick, that's how. And forecast future negatives. Maybe the Canucks have peaked too early. What if there's an injury? What if the move the Canucks make to clear up capspace for Salo creates a hole in their depth? Well, we at PITB aren't in the business of forecasting potential negatives (although we dabble in babcocking). As the alternative media, we seek to be alternative at every turn. If the mainstream media is imagining things that could potentially go very wrong, we're going to imagine things that could go potentially right. What if, for example, the Roberto Luongo got a hat-trick in Madison Square Garden? Consider the following not impossible scenario: