Monday, November 29, 2010

A Gift of Five Babcocks

Yeah, the Canucks are a great team, but let's not get too excited. They may have the league's best power-play, be among the best in penalty killing, and have rediscovered their even strength game, but that's still no reason to get too worked up. In fact, I apologize to all those fans mashing the panic button for writing this article trying to talk them down. Those fans are still wrong, but at the same time, maybe they're oh so right.

Look at what Mike Babcock said to the Detroit Free Press: "I want to be real careful that we don't sound that excited. I've found over the years coaching in this league, as soon as you think you get excited about your team, then you lose four in a row."

The man is a prophet. Wait, prophets see things before they happen--let's check the date. Okay, that's fair, he's not a prophet, so much as somebody who is able to talk about events after they occur, like a televangelist. Remember when the Canucks had won seven of eight? People were talking Cup, and then BAM! Four-game losing streak. Was he talking about the Canucks specifically? We can't be sure. All we know for sure is he definitely was. Clearly, we got excited about the team. That's where we went wrong.

So what's his method? "I find that being a little scared is a good way to live." Great, but easier said than done. His team has the best win rate in the league, is at the top of the conference and has at least one game in hand on everyone else. What could they possibly be scared about? He's got the answer:

"We've played the fewest games in the league, so that means there's going to be a point where we play the most games in the league. And that means back to back, and that's when you get injured."

Wow. That's what makes him the best -- the ability to rain on any parade. Even a Stanley Cup parade.

Well, it's the least we at Pass it to Bulis can do to help everyone embrace that pessimism. Here's five out-there reasons things could always go wrong, or five "Babcocks" for the Canucks.

  • The better your team does, the harder other teams play against them and the more you lose. How can the Canucks win when it just makes losing more inevitable?

  • All the Canucks goals so far have come either with the man advantage, playing shorthanded, or at even strength. What if the Canucks don't get into these situations?

  • The holidays are approaching, and with them, the spirit of giving. What if Joe Sakic buys snowblowers for the whole team?

  • The Canucks dominate at home and on the road, but what if teams find somewhere else to play?

  • If the Canucks defy the odds and make it to the Stanley Cup Final, I and many others may get excited. The ensuing four-game losing streak will knock the Canucks out.

Hopefully, these Babcocks can help us stay scared and stay competitive, but they won't. There is no hope.


  1. "The Canucks dominate at home and on the road, but what if teams find somewhere else to play?"

    Ha. That's some good fearmongering there, Qris. Here are some more doomsday scenarios I often worry about:

    Daniel and Henrik Sedin have amazing chemistry because they're brothers. But what if new DNA evidence throws their relationship into question?

    When healthy, the Canucks are as good as any team in the league. But what if all the other teams get better and the Canucks get polio?

    Mason Raymond is fast. But what if he becomes slow?

  2. PitB trivia: I researched and typed this post from a slow laptop at the Riverside blood bank during my bi-weekly donation of platelets. It was difficult as I'm very light-headed and can only use one hand. As soon as I'm out of here I'm on typo patrol.

  3. I don't see any typos, but I'll be honest. I don't even come close to getting the Joe Sakic one. Am I thick, or does it make no sense?

  4. Oops. It should have been snowblower. Fixed and linked in case anyone forgot.

  5. Hey I just realized that while Crosby is player 3737 at Y! sports and Lucic is 4306, Joe Sakic is player 7. #Sakicissoold

  6. What if the Canucks win the Cup but it turns out it's opposite day?

    Kesler and his linemates have a lot of chemistry. So did Chernobyl. Coincidence?

    What if Mike Gillis, Avid Cyclist, collides with the team bus during one of his morning bike outings and the resulting explosion destroys not only all of Vancouver, but the team as well?

    What if the Blackhawks trade for Zenon Konopka at the deadline, and the Canucks beat them in a playoff series, and an angry Konopka gets revenge by breaking every Canuck player's hand with an extremely strong handshake?

  7. LOL @ chernobyl. The joke, that is, not the horrific incident.

    What if the NHL goes bankrupt six seconds for the Canucks win the Stanley Cup?

    What if Alain Vigneault watches the Mighty Ducks and replaces his entire roster with inner-city youth?

    What if, just before the Canucks make the playoffs, they take off their masks and reveal they're the New York Islanders?

  8. Y'all just blew my mindhole.

  9. If Alain Vigneault watched the Mighty Ducks and replaced his entire roster with inner-city youth, they'd have an up and down season where they learned a lot about themselves and the power of friendship before overcoming long odds to hoist the Stanley Cup in a heartwarming story that would be forever ingrained in the psyche of a generation.

    What if Raffi Torres goes to high five Sami Salo, but Salo, fearing injury, leaves Raffi Torres hanging, in an incident that bankrupts Torres's self-esteem and causes a dressing-room rift that destroys the team?

  10. Worse, what if Mikael Samuelsson tells Salo to go f*** himself, and the very consideration of its anatomical impossibility gives Salo a concussion?

    What if Roberto Luongo makes a game-seven overtime save, but it's for the other team, and before anybody can question why he's all the way down at the other end of the ice, the opponent scores a series-winning empty-net goal?

  11. What if Henrik Sedin scores the Stanley Cup-winning goal, the only goal he scores in the playoffs, and Daniel, in a jealous rage, slaughters everyone on the ice one by one?

    Actually that one doesn't count because while Daniel's murder spree and the loss of every member of the Canucks roster turn it into a mixed blessing, the Canucks still win the Cup.

  12. Better, what if the Canucks are in overtime, and they need a win to make the playoffs, and Daniel Sedin trails Henrik in the scoring race by one point? What if Daniel receives a pass from his brother that, if he converts into a goal, will mean Henrik wins the Art Ross for the second time? What if Daniel fans on it on purpose, but the puck goes the other way and the Canucks get scored on?

  13. can we trade AV and a bag of pucks for babs?

  14. What if Aquilini fires Gillis and hires Jake?


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