I analyse how well I did with these terrible, awful predictions in this post. Enjoy, if possible.
Everyone likes to make playoff predictions, but the entire thing is an elaborate guessing game: rarely do these predictions come true because the playoffs are the most unpredictable time in what is primarily an unpredictable game. This is why I'm going to make 10 incredibly unlikely predictions. On the off-chance that even one of these predictions comes true, I will be forced to anoint myself with oil and call myself a prophet.
1. Steve Bernier will lead the Canucks in goalscoring. Surprisingly, this won't mean an early exit for Vancouver as they manage to fight their way through the Western Conference and reach the Stanley Cup Finals. 7 of Bernier's 13 goals will be gamewinners.
2. Pierre McGuire will use the word "monster" only once per game.
3. Chris Pronger will carry the Flyers to the Stanley Cup Finals with a brilliant postseason, only to lose the Conn Smythe to Brian "The Mighty Boosh" Boucher.
4. Pavel Datsyuk will be stymied by Dave Tippet's defensive systems and Ilya Bryzgalov's brilliant goaltending and will fail to register a goal against the Coyotes. Adrian Aucoin will score the series winning goal for Phoenix on the powerplay in the second overtime of game 7.
5. Jose "Alvin Simon" Theodore will be outstanding in net for the Capitals, recording three shutouts enroute to the Eastern Conference Finals. He will make 44 saves in a game 6 loss that knocks Washington out of the playoffs.
6. The Nashville Predators will sweep the Chicago Blackhawks. None of the games will be decided by one goal.
7. Barack Obama will appear at the first game of the playoffs for the Chicago Blackhawks on Friday to drop the ceremonial first puck. Because of this, Washington Capitals fans will refuse to vote for him in the next election, leading to a narrow victory for Republican Mitt Romney.
8. The Ottawa Senators will light up Marc-André Fleury, causing him to be pulled in two of the first three games of the series. Despite this, the Penguins will rally back, with Fleury posting a shutout in game 7. They will subsequently be knocked out in the second round.
9. Joe Thornton will dominate, leading the postseason in points. Evgeni Nabakov will be fantastic, with the best save percentage of the postseason. Despite this, the Sharks will lose in the Western Conference Final. The media will blame Thornton and Nabakov for choking.
10. The Stanley Cup winning goal will be scored by Rick Rypien.