Some Canuck Fans Are Awful Human Beings

Canuck fans, upon hearing negative opinions regarding their team.

In the past few weeks, Kyle Wellwood, Mike Babcock, and Theo Fleury have all come under fire for some pretty offensive comments. Yes, unforgivable utterances, these. The things they said were so vile that it apparently became acceptable to forgo proper human decency and, instead, return their brutal statements with the worst slander, bigotry, and hatespeech Canucks fans could muster.

Just what did they say? Well, brace yourself. You see, each of them expressed skepticism that the Canucks' regular season dominance would extend into the playoffs.

Wellwood suggested the Canucks were too immature to handle playoff adversity. Babcock suggested Luongo might not have what it takes to lead the team to a Cup. Fleury suggested that, after coasting through the regular season, the Canucks were ripe for a first-round playoff upset. In truth, it was pretty harmless stuff, but the response from many Canuck fans was much less so.

Wellwood's World, Chapter 9: Happy Times Are Here Again

When we last left the non-stop actioner that is the life of Kyle Wellwood, Welly was making his triumphant return from exile, now in a San Jose Sharks uniform. He seemed excited about going to the Sun Belt, and relieved to be home from Russia, the bizarro nation where stray dogs reenact famous scenes from A Clockwork Orange before stealing your groceries.

In some sort of grand, cosmic joke at his expense, Wellwood wound up making his season debut in Vancouver. The quiet, self-effacing center seemed somewhat annoyed to be right back in front of Vancouver's million microphones, but it was a special treat for Canuck fans, like us, who have battled through the barrier that is the Cyrillic alphabet just to continue following his career. It was nice to finally receive a much-needed dose of Wellwoodness in English, where his trademark pathos wasn't mitigated by Google's crappy translator.

So what's new on the Wellwood front? Welly has now played 10 games with the Sharks. In those games, he's got 2 goals and no assists. Nothing special. However, he's a plus-4, and he's only been on the ice for 1 goal against (typical defensive stalwart that he is). That goal, by the way, was the much-ballyhooed Paul Bissonnette goal from the 1st of February. It garnered plenty of attention, as the rare BizNasty goal should, and nobody even seemed to notice that Welly got it back with his first goal of the season later that night ( to the highlights!).

I Watched This Game: Canucks vs Sharks, January 20, 2010

Canucks 1 - 2 Sharks

Before we go any further, a brief dissertation on the first game back from a road trip: we saw, in The Game That Shall Not Be Named, and in the wise words of the team's sleep doctor, that the first game back from a road trip often yields a team at the peak of their exhaustion. In fact, while some expect the game to be renewed with energy, the game is usually more an extension of the trip that just ended than the first game after it. Take a look at the Canucks' schedule after their last five-game road trip: after petering out on the road, they came back and dropped games on back-to-back nights versus Chicago and Phoenix. That's because they had yet to have any home rest. Then, when they finally got it, they recuperated and began the jaw-dropping streak that is only now coming to an end.

All of this is to say that the team we saw last night could have played much, much worse, and we can reasonably expect the team that shows up Saturday night to be much, much better (and I'm sure it won't hurt that they're playing Calgary). Anyway, I watched this game:

• I should say I'm not offering this as an excuse; I'm simply making the point that the Canucks deserve more credit for taking points from their last two games than they're getting. That's what you have to do in the current NHL--get points when you're outplayed. The Canucks have done it twice in a row and it deserves, at the very least, a golf clap.
  

• In the last game, I said that, while the Canucks were playing without rest, Roberto Luongo had seen plenty of it. Superstar goalie that he is, he needed to bail out his sleepy team. If you recall, in Denver, he didn't, but last night he did. While the Canucks were a little sounder defensively, they were still giving up shots all over the place: 46 in total, 25 of those in the second period alone. Thankfully, Roberto Luongo stopped all but one, and without his strong play, the Canucks don't get this one to overtime. He made some stellar saves, too, like getting the cheater of his glove on Joe Thornton's breakaway wrister. His rebound control was excellent as well--he was smothering the puck all night. Not since Othello killed Desdemona in her bed have I seen such thorough smothering.

• The funny thing about the shot count is that it didn't tell the whole story. San Jose had most of the shots in the second period, but they really didn't dominate the way it appears they did on the stat sheet. The Sedins had a litany of extended shifts in the offensive zone that didn't always yield shots, but did a good job of stalling San Jose's attack for long stretches.
  

• Man, were the Sedins good. While they only produced one goal on the night (the pretty one, above), they lived inside San Jose's blue line most of the evening. They had a ton of chances and a ton of shots. Line you thought you'd never hear: Henrik Sedin had a game-high seven shots. In fact, he and Daniel combined for 13, over a third of Vancouver's shot total. Tony Gallagher often complains that the Sedins regularly put up two points apiece but don't play consistently dominant games. Last evening, they did the opposite. You just got served, Tony.

• Alex Burrows had a decent game too, but the poor guy was thoroughly manhandled every time he went to the net. I didn't think you could do that. Apparently you can.

• The shootout remains a stupid way to decide a hockey game. May I suggest, instead, two mouse traps and one mouse.
  

• So it turns out those moronic bits where John Garrett talks about snack foods he likes are planned. During a stoppage in play, Dan Murphy introduced the featured product of the night: Quaker Crispy Minis. This was followed by about seven seconds of dead air, as John Shorthouse waited for Garrett to say how much he likes to eat them. Instead, Garrett briefly forgot he existed, and Shorty had to prompt him. I've long felt Garrett watches the games from behind a sleep mask, but in this case, he was genuinely asleep on the job.
  

• I was briefly puzzled by Sergei Shirokov's third-period benching, but on second glance, it makes sense. First, Shirokov was playing overly flashy--twice he cut to the inside of the ice instead of putting a shot on goal with traffic heading to the net, and both times waited too long and wound up accomplishing nothing. Second, he wasn't winning his puck battles. Until Vigneault reunited Raymond, Kesler, and Samuelsson, the second line wasn't getting any sustained offensive pressure at all, and much of that had to do with Shirokov's play. He's still good, though. Hopefully he remains with the team and adjusts his play accordingly.

• Speaking of Samuelsson, it was nice to see Angry Samuelsson return. While fighting for a puck along the boards, he took a check from Jason Demers, and rather than not taking a stupid retaliatory penalty, he turned around and punched Demers in the head. Way to go. But, as detrimental as Angry Samuelsson can be sometimes, he plays better when he's like this, so this might be a good sign.

• With another subpar night in the faceoff circle, it's clear that Ryan Kesler's thumb is still bothering him. He's not Wolverine (as far as I know), so he might need rest or treatment or something. I'm concerned that eventually it's going to turn completely blue like the band in that Daft Punk movie, then fall off. You need your thumb to flip coins. How will Kesler ever decide between two things?
  

• Dan Hamhuis had a fabulous game with an assist to go with four blocked shots and three takeaways. You don't always notice him, but he always seems to be in the right place. This is excepting that one shift where he led a botched rush and found himself two zones away from Joe Thornton's breakaway. I haven't seen a guy this out of position since my wedding night. I did a lot of guessing.
  

• Tanner Glass fought Jamal Mayers, whose name, if slightly mispronounced, rhymes with bears. Coincidence? No. There's no connection whatsoever.
  

• Christian Ehrhoff had four blocked shots and an assist. Unfortunately, the goal on which he assisted was scored by Logan Couture. You can't make a play like that in front of the best player on the Sharks, or you'll get burned. But cut Ehrhoff some slack--I'm sure, like most of us, he couldn't believe that, on a team with four Olympians, rookie Logan Couture is their best player. It's not a good thing.

• Had the Vancouver power play been as effective last night as it was on Tuesday, the Canucks might have won this game going away. Unfortunately, it was drier than Stephen Lynch and not nearly as enjoyable to watch. They went 0-for-5 on the night, including an overtime 4-on-3 that probably should have been automatic.
  

• And finally (and most importantly), it was good to see Kyle Wellwood back, and you can tell that he's ecstatic. He was smiling from ear to ear all night. We love Welly here at PITB, so this meant we were smiling from ear to ear all night. Seriously, I smiled so hard my hair parted like the grinch, which is impressive, because I'm bald.

Wellwood's World, Chapter 8: Meet Me in San Jose

Let's be very clear: when we began closely following Kyle Wellwood's career, we had no idea it was going to be this interesting.

Well, maybe we did. Even on a slow day, Kyle Wellwood is impossibly interesting, but we genuinely expected the Wellwood's World feature to be a lame list of stats followed by a botched quote from a Russian interview.

It never quite got to that.

Before long, Wellwood was back to his old tricks, infuriating coaches, losing ice time, and being hockey's greatest source of pathos. Then suddenly he was released from his contract. Then his wife was pregnant. Then he was signed by St. Louis. Then he wasn't. Then he was again, and before he could join the Blues, San Jose plucked him off waivers. Seriously, when has Kyle Wellwood ever moved this fast?

That's right, you heard it here last. Kyle Wellwood is a San Jose Shark. In fact, in a remarkable twist of irony (appropriate for the highly-literate forward), Wellwood will be in the lineup for the Sharks tomorrow night as their third-line center, directly opposed to Manny Malhotra, the guy the Canucks desperately targeted to replace him. So, again: The Canucks let Kyle Wellwood walk in order to sign Manny Malhotra. The Sharks let Manny Malhotra walk and eventually wound up with Kyle Wellwood. Seriously, how bad does GM Doug Wilson look right now?

I'm also happy to report that the Kyle Wellwood quote machine is back in English, meaning we no longer need to get his brilliance translated from Russian before we are moved by it. Here he is, addressing the long-running fat jokes, from Working the Corners:

Wellwood brings with him that reputation for being overweight and out of condition when he reported to the Vancouver Canucks at the start of the 2008-09 season. Yes, that was a problem then, he acknowledges. No, it’s not a problem now.

“When I came to Vancouver, I came off waivers from Toronto and I had three groin surgeries and I had a broken leg over the summer,” he said. “When I got to camp, I wasn’t in good enough shape or like the rest of the guys.

“That was something I fixed and now I’ve been in great shape,” Wellwood continued. “I’ve been under 180 pounds so it’s kind of a running joke — you still get the fat jokes when you’re one of the lightest people in hockey. You just laugh and shake your head.”

Typical Wellwood. I'm not fat. I'm weak. Get it right.

The prodigal son has come home, and now he plays for the other team. This is gonna be awesome.

The Vancouver Wellwoods Need Your Help

You might recall The Vancouver Wellwoods, PITB's official, adopted women's street hockey team. These Play On! Burnaby champions (and adorable young ladies) have united under the Wellwoodian philosophy "Training = Cheating," and are one of six women's street hockey teams invited to Hockey Day in Canada's Play On! national championship in Victoria. And now they need our help. Take it away, team captain Morgan Tierney:

The Vancouver Wellwoods have been challenged by CBC to get 200 people to click "Like" at the bottom of our team page.

If we can get 200 fans faster than any other team in the National Championship tournament, fabulous prizes and (we assume) international fame await us. Since you and your fans seem to have the same appreciation for all things Wellwood as we do, I figured I'd invite you all to like us!

Our schedule will be posted on February 1st for anyone who wishes to cheer us on in person in Victoria.

And finally, I should let you know that we are currently working on a viral video masterpiece to pay tribute to our namesake, showcase our skills, and most importantly, convince Kyle that he would be better off coaching us than he would be playing for the Sharks.

To the Bulies: make sure you Like this team. They are PITB's team, and therefore, they are your team. (And while you're at it, don't forget to Like PITB on Facebook as well.) To the Wellwoods: make sure we get a copy of this viral video, and good luck at the National Championship.

The Wellwoods are Street Hockey's Most Adorable Team

The Wellwoods are a women's street hockey team from Vancouver. More than that, they are a women's street hockey team named for Kyle Wellwood. My first inclination is to question why anyone would do such a thing. Is it because all the women in this photo are adorable? Is it because this team is the weakest in the league? Is it because the team doesn't have what it takes to make it in Russia? Maybe it's all of these things.

Also, according to an anonymous commenter who plays for this team, Rule #42 of the Wellwoods charter is as follows: Training = Cheating. That explains it.


Edit: According to a member of the team, the Wellwoods will be competing in the National Street Hockey Championships during CBC's Hockey Day in Canada. And we will be cheering for them.

Edit 2: According to another Wellwood, "Our team philosophy was built upon the Three Pillars of Kyle Wellwood: Soft hands, sharp minds, and overall adoreableness.

Our ultimate goal in 2011 is to achieve the impossible: a team photo with the legend himself!! We have no idea how to go about it but having him back in North America is a start. The next step will obviously be to recruit him as our head coach, but we'll settle for a photo for now."

The very idea of The Three Pillars of Kyle Wellwood makes me smile like a schnook.

Wellwood's World, Chapter 7: Back From Exile

Update: apparently this isn't officially confirmed and GM Doug Armstrong is denying it. But that's just shame. He'll get over it.

It was only last Tuesday that we delivered the bundle of nonjoy that was the end of Kyle Wellwood's contract with Atlant Moscow Oblant. Two days later, things got a little brighter, as we happily reported the bundle of joy his wife Bianca was carrying, and the pregnancy's part in what was an amicable departure from the KHL.

Now the news is downright sunny, as TSN is reporting that Kyle Wellwood, the gosh darn adorable center with whom PITB is unhealthily obsessed, has agreed to play the remainder of this season with the St. Louis Blues.

Now, it's all not roses yet, as Wellwood still needs to clear a few things: first, the remaining contract issues with his KHL team, and second, waivers.

I suspect he'll get through waivers, but the New York Islanders are all about picking up former Canucks on the wire, so there's still a chance he ends up on a line with John Tavares.

I'd prefer that, too. Not to Babcock the Canucks, but what if Kyle Wellwood fits in comfortably with the young St. Louis forward corps, becomes a leader, guides them to a first-round playoff meeting with Vancouver, and drops bombs? What if he scores a dagger? What if Kyle Wellwood, like Daniel "Vengeance as Fuel" Sedin, is out for blood?

We can only hope he goes easy on us.

Ask it to Bulis: The Greatest Canucks' Moustache & Other Inquiries

Ask it to Bulis is a regular feature wherein casual readers and hardcore Bulies alike can put their questions to two guys no more qualified to answer than they are. Harrison and Daniel preside:


Greatest Canucks' mustache: Babych or Snepsts? -- @staticotaku

H: Tough first question. I'm gonna go with Snepsts, and for totally subjective reasons. It was a slightly fuller, more unkempt mustache that covered a little more area. And because of its downward curvature, he looks the most like Mr. Johnson, the beleaguered blue Muppet who constantly makes the mistake of eating at Charlie's Restaurant, where Waiter Grover works. I have so much sympathy for Mr. Johnson, as there were clearly no other restaurants in Sesame Street (like the Red Robin in Maple Ridge), I can't help but love Harold Snepsts.

D: I have to disagree. Babych has the classier, more kempt moustache. It was big and bushy, but under control. Snepsts has a classic 'stache, but it's just a little too out-of-control for my tastes. There's a reason Babych is #7 on this list of top ten 'staches in all of sports and Snepsts doesn't even warrant a mention.

H: Because MSN.com has the last word on this, apparently.

Wellwood's World, Chapter 6: A Surprise Ending

It was only just yesterday that we reported the sad news that Kyle Wellwood's contract with the KHL's Atlant Moscow Oblant had been terminated. Word was that the club was unhappy with his performance and they had therefore decided to end the relationship.

But it turns out that's not all to the story, as Wellwood had his own reasons for wanting out of the contract: his wife, Bianca, is pregnant. From Atlant's website, (and then crudely translated by Google:)

Reason that prompted him to return [...] pregnant wife. Bianca, Franco-Canadian, is expecting a baby [in] four months. Kyle and Bianca lived in the town of Windsor. This is in Ontario, Canada - across the river from the American city of Detroit.

That certainly explains a lot. It might even explain why the characteristically checked-out Wellwood seemed to be playing even more lackadaisical than usual: he was homesick, and with good cause. Later in the interview, Wellwood admits, "It's hard to leave [my] wife in such important days without my attention."

Wellwood's World Chapter 5: Farewell Russia

The latest chapter in Kyle Wellwood's wild and weird world is a sad one. Dmitry Chesnokov of Puck Daddy is reporting that Atlant Moscow Oblast has released the pudgy playmaker from his contract. The news comes from Russian sports website sports.ru, which apparently broke the story, but the website resists my translation attempts (ie. it goes all weird and wonky when I try to use Google Translate), so I'm trusting Chesnokov's translation.

According to Chesnokov, the website reported that "the club management is not satisfied with the play of the 27 year old, and because of that a decision was made to end the relationship."

It seems likely that Atlant believed they were getting the diminutive dangler of 2005-07 rather than the dependable defensive presence of the current Wellwood incarnation. Wellwood only had 5 goals and 3 assists in his 25 games, but managed a +6 to go with his minimal point totals. Chesnokov also points out that he averaged a mere 8:39 in ice time per game.

Either that or they thought that in signing a hockey player from Canada, they were going to get a tough enforcer willing to drop the gloves at any moment. Wellwood had to dispel that notion in this interview:

Q: Are you ready to jump into the fray?

Wellwood: There is an image of a Canadian hockey player, but I do not like to fight. You could even say I can't.

Maybe that was the issue. Kyle just needed to be willing to drop the gloves. I'm guessing he didn't because he found the green Russian bandages embarrassing. Either way, his unwillingness to fight for his job left him without a job to fight for.

On the plus side, Kyle Wellwood is coming home.

Wellwood's World, Chapter 4: Wellwood Speaks!

When we last checked in with Kyle Wellwood, he had just signed a deal with Atlant Moscow of the KHL after failing to earn a contract with the Phoenix Coyotes. It was a bit of a bummer for PITB (genuine Wellwood fans that we are) but we purposed ourselves following Wellwood's career on the other side of the world. It's been easier said than done.

Wellwood's first season with Atlant began strongly. Coach Nikolai Borchevzky (formerly a Toronto Maple leaf, as celebrated at PPP) was playing Wellwood around 20 minutes a game, and he was enjoying top-six ice time. However, Borchevzky was fired in early October and replaced by Milos Riha, who had been fired by Spartak Moscow around the same time. Riha replaced the team's attacking style with a stricter, defensive structure. Wellwood has seen a considerable decrease in minutes, and is now back in a familiar place, skating in the bottom-six with limited minutes. In 20 games played, Wellwood has only 4 points (3 goals, 1 assist).

Who cares, though? PITB loves Kyle Wellwood because he's unique, and uniquely self-aware. His sheepishly, but candid personality is unique in hockey circles, and thankfully, his personality lives on, even in poorly translated Russian interviews. What follows are four Kyle Wellwood interviews, organized chronologically, in which he touches on everything from his adjustments to Russian life, women in the workplace, his former Canuck teammates, and the future of the NHL. This is must-read material.

I Find This Photo Odd: Kyle Wellwood Edition

Sometimes we write good, insightful articles about topics that are important to us. Other times, we just post photos that make us titter. And say words that make us titter. Like titter.

Anyhow. Above is a photo of Kyle Wellwood with what appears to be a green dot on his face. Click on it to make it bigger (the photo, not the dot).

Incredibly, this is not the weirdest photo of Kyle Wellwood I've ever seen. This one's pretty good. This one's a gem. This is a solid piece of mockery. I've always found this one charming. I remember this one making the rounds. It's safe to say that Kyle Wellwood is a weird dude who is photogenic in a weird sort of way (a way in which he isn't). Like our new friend Raffi Torres, Welly has a tendency to look a bit goofy.

But the photo above is definitely in the top ten. It's hard to get a green dot on your face, believe me. So what's going on here? I have multiple theories:

Maybe Wellwood is the Hulk, but in keeping with his character, he's really lazy about it and he needs to bear down when becoming incredible; maybe Wellwood eats crayons to get himself pumped up for the game; maybe Wellwood loves Russia because they still have Squeez-it fruit drink; maybe Wellwood doesn't know how Movember works; maybe Kyle Wellwood is about to be assassinated, and laser sights for sniper rifles are green in Moscow; maybe Wellwood saw our post on Raffi Torres and made sure we came across this wacky photo of him with a green dot on his face somehow, so as to make sure we never forget him, and commenter and Twitter person @plusfelonesse, who tipped us to this momentous snapshot, is actually Kyle Wellwood.

Or a different thing. Whatever. I'm posting this because I miss Kyle Wellwood, and I find this photo odd.

Armchair Cynic: How to Fix the Canucks Woes from the Safety of Home

The Vancouver Canucks have gotten off to a listless start, kicking off the 2010-11 season with a lackluster 2-3-2 record. Vancouver fans who like to be on top of such things as early as possible, look at the standings and notice that the Calgary Flames have the same number of points as the Canucks in two fewer games. All is not lost, however. As desperate as things seem, there's still a way for the Canucks to save their season and make the playoffs.

They need to hire me as their new general manager and coach.

As a fan who has never played the game at a competitive level, I know I can do a much better job at managing and coaching the Canucks than Alain Vigneault and Mike Gillis. Accordingly, I have prepared this list of solutions for what ails the Canucks. These bona fide solid-gold suggestions are provided free-of-charge. If the Canucks want more of my expertise, I'll need to see a contract.

• Move to a goaltending tandem inspired by Mighty Ducks 2: Luongo for regulation and overtime, Schneider for the shootout.

• Speaking of Mighty Ducks, begin scouting figure skaters for potential transfer over to professional hockey. Even female figure skaters. Especially female figure skaters.

• To inspire the slumping forward, pointedly use the word "silver" as often as possible around Ryan Kesler: bring up silverback gorillas for no reason, ask him to pass the silverware at team lunches, buy him a sterling silver necklace, and finally, get a tiny piece of wood stuck in your finger, ask Kesler for help removing it with tweezers, and repeatedly mis-pronounce the word "sliver."

• Temporarily sign enigmatic moustachioed free agent, Shmalexandre Shmurrows, to play with the Sedins for 3 games before sending him down to the minors, wherein he will mysteriously disappear and face punishment for failing to report to the Moose.

• Post a list on a bulletin board titled, "Other Teams Mikael Samuelsson Wasn't Picked For" including The Team 1040, Team Rocket, Team Edward, and #TeamRypien.

• Upon realizing that Kyle "They Don't Much Care for Ayn Rand in Russia" Wellwood has as many goals in 5 games in the KHL as Mason Raymond has in 7 games in the NHL, re-sign him to be the fifth-line centre.

• Memorize Herb Brooks famous speech from "Miracle" and recite it before every single game...in an imitation of Joshua Sacco's voice. Scwew 'em!

• Force the Team 1040 to fire Dave Tomlinson and hire university students to do color commentary.

• Since Andrew Alberts has shown such soft hands around the net, put him on the first-unit powerplay with the Sedins and plant him directly in front of the goalie.

• Slap Raffi Torres. Just slap him repeatedly.

• Make another trade with Florida.

In all seriousness, though, if I see Peter Schaefer start on the second line again, I will straight-up murder a beanie baby.

Wellwood's World Chapter 3: To Russia with Love

If you follow Kyle Wellwood news as closely as we do (and why wouldn't you?), you will have already heard the sad news: our favorite Ayn-Rand-reading, no-TV-watching, no-minor-penalty-taking little warrior will be taking his talents to Mytischi to play for Atlant Moscow Oblast.

Despite a strong showing during the Phoenix Coyotes training camp, he was outplayed by top prospect Kyle Turris in the preseason, and could not earn himself a contract. He only managed 2 points in 5 games and in his final preseason game he had no points and was a -2. Turris, on the other hand, had 3 points in 4 games, with a goal and a +2 in his final game. It came down to Harrison's favorite word in regards to Wellwood: "results."

His one preseason goal was typically Wellwoodian, as he stick-handled the puck directly into the goal on the powerplay (goal at 0:19, replay at 1:26), which the boxscore generously labeled a wrist shot. Also available in that clip is a brief interview with Kyle at 0:55, as well as some praise from no less a source than Shane Doan at 1:14. Unfortunately, after this lofty day, Wellwood came crashing back to earth. With the signing of Eric Belanger, the spots on Phoenix's roster were limited, and they opted to go with the young prospect rather than the cagey vet.

It's hard to disagree with GM Don Maloney's decision, but it's also hard to see Kyle Wellwood's last chance to play in the NHL this season slip away. On the plus side, in the KHL he'll get a chance to skate alongside another former-Canuck oddball, Jan Bulis! The Kurtenblog accurately predicted that this would please us, as Atlant immediately becomes our favorite KHL team.

Wellwood will be the only Canadian on the roster, but not the only North American, as American Jeff Hamilton, who played 157 games in the NHL, has also reportedly signed with Atlant. Wellwood will easily slot into their top-six with Nikolai Zherdev leaving the team in the off-season for a contract with the Philadelphia Flyers. In fact, Kyle could fit into the top line between top KHL scorer Sergei Mozyakin and Jan Bulis. Kyle's shiftiness and stickhandling skills will serve him well on the larger ice surface in the KHL and he should be able to rack up some sizable point totals and hopefully find his way back to the NHL next season.

We'll keep a close eye on Wellwood and Atlant throughout the season through the magic of Google Translate, unless we're able to find a legitimate translator to help us navigate Wellwood's new world.

Every Goal Kyle Wellwood Scored Last Season

I love Kyle Wellwood more than most people. He's a little warrior with underrated defensive acumen and a great hockey sense. He's also a bit of an oddball; he's a quiet, humble guy who reads Ayn Rand, uses a tiny wooden two-piece stick, and finds television boring. He once went 159 games without a minor penalty. He's not a typical hockey player and his qualities are sometimes difficult to pinpoint, which would be the main reason, in my mind, that he hasn't yet received a contract offer this off-season. Frankly, he deserves one. He was one of the Canucks top forwards during the playoffs and, despite a slow start, still scored 14 goals while playing on the third line. And, since I love Wellwood so much, Harrison asked me to do the Every Goal post for Kyle Wellwood. You're not going to see any gorgeous wizardous sedinerie, but you will see a strong tendency to go hard to the net and some great hand-eye coordination.

1. Nov. 26 vs. the Los Angeles Kings (at 6:07 of clip)

Wellwood's first goal of the season was a long time coming: he didn't score a goal over the first 23 games of the season. It was initially thought that he broke his goalless drought at 7:18 of the third (5:37 in the video), but the goal was credited to Tanner Glass instead. I remember this game so well: everyone in GM Place (except for the Kings, who are bad) and watching on TV was rooting for him to get a goal to break the streak, including his teammates who fed him the puck for the empty netter. He finally managed to aggressively saucer-pass the puck into the net from just inside the blue line. The crowd game him a standing ovation and Wellwood grinned and stuck out his tongue. Oh Wellwood.

2. Nov. 29 vs. the San Jose Sharks

Steve Bernier makes a nice play on Kyle's second goal of the season, which came just two games later against the Sharks. Bernier chips it ahead to Wellwood who goes in with Tanner Glass on the 2-on-1. Wellwood, smartly, keeps the puck and saucer-passes it off the post and in. Typically, John Garrett has no idea what actually happened on the play and confuses Glass for Bernier. I swear, the colour guy is supposed to provide accurate analysis to aid the viewer in understanding the game, but John Garrett seems consistently confused. Also, Wellwood spent most of the season centering Bernier and Glass. Poor guy.

3. Dec. 27 vs. the Calgary Flames

It took Wellwood another month to score his third goal of the season. He shows some speed on this play, forcing Pardy to chase him into the zone as Wellwood and Burrows execute a nice give and go. Burrows misses on the sweet feed back from Wellwood, but Pardy has taken himself out of the play, allowing Wellwood to tuck it in from behind the net.

4. Dec. 29 vs. the Phoenix Coyotes

It took a month to score his third, but just one more game to score his fourth. Seems to be a pattern. Throughout the rest of the Every Goal series, we've seen the surprising net presence of Wellwood. The little guy is not afraid to go to the front of the net to screen the goalie and he heads to that area at the right time when a shot is coming. This time it turns into a goal as he gets to the front of the net and skates out towards Edler who is taking a wrist shot from the side boards. He tips it beautifully over the blocker of LaBarbera. The rest of the clip features John Garrett explaining how it's Edler's goal, though it might have hit a Phoenix player on the way to the net. Poor Wellwood just can't get any respect.

5. Jan. 21 vs. the Dallas Stars

For the second time on a Wellwood goal, a nifty pass from Bernier sets it up. This time, it's a sweet little backhand chip with only one hand on the stick. Seriously, it's ridiculous. Wellwood shows a nice burst of speed between two Dallas defencemen and flicks it neatly past Alex Auld. It's a very nice goal, all told. Shorty helpfully adds, "Did he need that." It's a statement, not a question. Of course he needed it, he hadn't scored in almost a month. Poor Wellwood.

6. Feb. 4 vs. the Ottawa Senators

This is Wellwood's first powerplay goal of the season: Kyle sneaks into position at the post and one-times a perfect pass from Mason Raymond into the net. Credit to Pavol Demitra too, who feeds Raymond the puck. This is a very pretty passing play and Elliott has no chance to make the save. Wellwood's sneakiness is underrated. He gets to scoring areas without being noticed. Probably because he's not very tall. Poor Wellwood.

7. Feb. 12 vs. the Columbus Blue Jackets (at 2:56 of clip)

A misplay by Steve Mason behind the net gives Kyle Wellwood ample opportunity to pass the puck hard into the back of the net. So far, Kyle has only cleanly beaten a goalie with a shot on two of his seven goals. That's not to say that a tip-in goal is less impressive, or that there's no value in a one-timer off some perfect passing, but it's fair to say that Wellwood's strength is not his shot. As a side note, listen to the beginning of the video to hear the Bluejackets colour man hilarious refer to Andrew Raycroft as Luongo not once, but twice. I guess I shouldn't complain so much about John Garrett. Oh wait, I totally should.

8. Mar. 2 vs. the Columbus Blue Jackets

This goal bears some similarities to his 6th goal of the season as he converts a sweet Mason Raymond pass from in tight beside the net. Raymond can hardly believe that he has the puck after the giveaway from Clitsome, but controls it, saucers it to Wellwood, who actually buries the puck with some authority after he corrals it, even though the net is largely empty. This is the hardest shot he has taken thus far and it's possibly the most unnecessary.

9. Mar. 3 vs. the Detroit Red Wings

The next night, Wellwood strikes again, this time on the breakaway. As soon as he has the puck on the breakaway, you know he's scoring. Kyle was money in the shootout as well, going 4 for 7. The most unusual aspect of this goal is that that Aaron Rome is the one who makes the breakout pass from his own end. Wellwood smartly camps at the blue line as the Wings make an ill-advised change and Rome sets him up perfectly. Jimmy Howard, recognizing that its Kyle Wellwood he's facing, goes down early, expecting Kyle to stick-handle it into the net. Instead, he freezes Howard and roofs it with something akin to authority.

10. Mar. 16 vs. the New York Islanders

Wellwood shows some great patience here, controlling the puck and waiting until Dwayne Roloson is completely out of position to flip it by him. A lot of the credit for this goal needs to go to Christian Ehrhoff, who blasts a point shot about half a foot off the ice, forcing Roloson to give up a monster rebound off his pads. This goal is akin to a few that Mason Raymond scored last season, just patiently controlling the puck before roofing it over the sprawled goaltender.

11. Mar. 20 vs. the Detroit Red Wings

Another tip-in from Wellwood, again showing his net presence. Watch from 0:29 of the clip: Wellwood makes a nifty pass out to Henrik and immediately skates directly in front of Howard to the best spot to use as much of his minuscule body as possible to screen the much larger goaltender. Then, as Shane "Pain Lion" O'Brien moves the puck across to Ehrhoff at the other point, Wellwood tracks it across perfectly and takes a punishing hit to tip the puck between Howard's legs.

12. Apr. 1 vs. the Los Angeles Kings

Wellwood's only two-goal game of the season started with this tap-in gift given to him by Pavol Demitra. Bernier (of the Jonathan variety) gives up a big rebound after a beautiful low slapshot by Alex Edler. Demitra fakes the shot then feeds it to Wellwood who's just waiting by the post to snap it home. This goal is very similar to his 6th and 8th goals on the season. That was a good spot on the ice for him.

13. Apr. 1 vs. the Los Angeles Kings

His second goal of the game comes on his third tip-in of the season, and this one is a beauty. Wellwood stealthily sneaks in front of the net as Grabner lets a wristshot go; the shot is going wide, but Welly manages to get it with the shaft of his stick and re-direct it top corner. Bernier has no chance on this one at all.

14. Apr. 4 vs. the Minnesota Wild

Yet another tip-in from Wellwood for his final goal of the regular season, getting a piece of a Bieksa wrist shot while getting driven to the ice. This has been an odd collection of goals. He scored a few similar tap-in goals just by getting to the right area by the post and he showed his ability to tip point shots as well. It's clear he doesn't have a very hard shot; he never lets a snap shot go and his wrist shot bears a strong resemblance to a saucer-pass, but he's willing to go to tough areas on the ice and take punishment to make plays. But this series of goals demonstrates one of the main complaints about Wellwood: not a lot of consistency.

Honourable Mentions:

Oct. 19 vs the Edmonton Oilers

I was heartbroken by this one. The Canucks were 3-3-1 on the season at this point and the Oilers were up 2-1 in the dying seconds of the game. With 8 seconds left, Wellwood wound up from his own blue-line with more determination than we saw throughout the rest of the regular season (though it returned in the playoffs). He crossed into the offensive zone with speed, went outside-inside on Gilbert before stuffing it five-hole on Khabibulin...a second too late. Time ran out, no goal, Canucks loss.

Mar. 22 vs the Edmonton Oilers

Something about the Oilers makes Kyle Wellwood want to be a hero. If this puck had gone in, this would have been the second best goal scored by a Canuck on the season (it still wouldn't have been as nice as Daniel's fantastic between-the-legs goal). Welly seemingly dekes out the entire Edmonton Oilers lineup, as well as Pat Quinn, on his way to the net and Deslauriers has to absurdly do the splits across the entire goal line to prevent Wellwood from stickhandling the puck directly in.

Poor Wellwood.

Wellwood News? Wellwood News.

Or at least the closest thing to Wellwood news. Elliot Friedman of Hockey Night in Canada has reported that the Phoenix Coyotes have invited Kyle to try out at their camp. The news originally broke on the Coyotes.com Desert Dog blog. Also on the Coyotes.com frontpage: a Taylor Pyatt gallery. The Coyotes know what the ladies like.

Desert Dog blogger, Dave Vest, got a quote from GM Don Maloney on Wellwood:

He’s a clever, creative player who’s a little bit intriguing. We were weak on the power play last year and he’s a smart player who could help us there so we’ll give him every opportunity to come in here and win a job.

The Coyotes have made a habit of collecting former Canucks, and have done well with the NHL's "castoffs." We here at Pass it To Bulis wish Kyle all the best and hopefully by the end of the month, we'll have a more substantive update in our regular Wellwood's World feature that will include him signing a contract with the Coyotes.

Wellwood's World Chapter 2: The Oppressive Angst of Waiting

Oftentimes, no news is good news. That is definitely not the case when you're an NHL free agent in the off-season. And when you're a hockey blogger who happens to be a fan of said NHL free agent, no news is excruciating.

We here at Pass it To Bulis! have made no secret of our love for Kyle Wellwood in all his weirdness (though I can't speak for newest PiTB-er, Qris). We think he's nifty and neat, to say the least. And we promised monthly updates with the first chapter of Wellwood's World in July. Unfortunately, it's one month later and there's very little material with which to update.

I certainly thought we'd be discussing his signing with an NHL club in this August chapter of Wellwood's World; don't other NHL teams know he's a defensive superstar? Don't they know he's a mutant with undisclosed superpowers? Don't they know he has 13 points in his last 22 playoff games? Don't they know his faceoff percentage was 53.8%, good for 18th in the NHL?

There aren't even any good rumors floating around. The Vancouver Sun could only manage an article about how tough it is for Kyle Wellwood to still be unsigned at this point in the off-season. In other words, they turned the lack of news into news. Just like I turned the lack of news into a blogpost.

Wellwood hasn't let the angst of free agency get him down (he's likely instead pondering the meaning of free agency in a world that seems intent on defining humanity by limiting real, meaningful choices and instead providing the illusion of choice) and indeed seems to be developing a marked sense of grandeur:

“Obviously, Europe has been after me for a long time and I haven't wanted to go there yet.”

That's the spirit of individualism! All of Europe has been after Kyle, but he has made his own choice to use his talents as he sees fit! Who is John Galt? It seems that he is, after all, Kyle Wellwood!

Wait, he's just talking about the European hockey leagues? Well nevermind then. Here's a picture of a Kyle Wellwood Mii my wife and I made.

Wellwood's World (Chapter I)

Amidst all the big news about recent Canuck acquisitions, awards achieved, prospects camp, the draft, and everything else that's made this offseason fairly interesting, we may be losing sight of the fact that some beloved Canuck alumni are on their way out the door. For us at PiTB!, the greatest of these is Kyle Wellwood. Despite all the things he did well (stickhandling, faceoffs, getting the puck out of the defensive zone, fancy passing), Wellwood was overshadowed by the things he did poorly (shooting, physical presence, being normal, regular passing), and will most likely not be back. While he was unfairly maligned, and actually did a surprisingly excellent job filling the Canucks third-line center position, Wellwood never did enough to impress us on the ice. That his incredible skill rarely translated into tangible results was stupefying, and that his coach would have gleefully replaced him with any other center capable of the job was evident. But somehow, for two years, Wellwood held the spot. Skeeter appreciated what he brought more than I: looking at the stats, he was incredible defensively, despite what it looked like. I tended to flip-flop, often arguing he needed to go for not producing, right up until he scored a big goal or, more often, made a neat play that resulted in nothing. From a stats perspective, he was not incredible offensively, his 18-goal season aside. (Wellwood fancied himself a playmaking center, but only got 20 assists in two seasons with Vancouver.) Hockey or Die was downright baffled by his presence in the NHL.

What Skeeter and I both agreed on, however, was that Kyle Wellwood was weird. He was pudgy. He rarely emoted, and when he did, it looked like this. He had a soft spot for Ayn Rand's lesser works. He used a little, teeny-weeny hockey stick that made it easy to handle the puck and impossible to shoot it with any velocity. Photos indicated he didn't care much about women, preferring to ogle spaghetti, read a book, or be confused by them. Contrasted with Kesler, he appeared to be the least competitive hockey player ever, once remarking that he could not understand how Ryan could take the game so seriously. Wellwood was a strange bird.

And we loved him. We mourn for his loss. We want him back and we are fighting back the urge to be happy with the Manny Malhotra signing. Only Welly satisfies.

So here's what's going to happen: we're not going to let him go. Something tells me Kyle Wellwood is going to find another hockey team looking for a strange center, be it in the NHL (doubtful), the AHL (perhaps), or Europe (ding ding ding!). And wherever he goes, we're going to follow his career in a little feature that we would like to call Wellwood's World. Watch for the Wellwood's World update at least once a month going forward.

And Kyle, if you ever find this blog, let us know you love us as much as we love you.

Kyle Wellwood: Defensive Superstar?

Kyle Wellwood led the NHL in only one statistic this season.

Way back in November, Jonathan Willis over at Hockey or Die published a blog entry with the title “Kyle Wellwood: Why is He Still in the NHL?” As a dedicated Wellwood apologist, I took exception to the post, which argued that when Wellwood is not contributing offensively, he’s not contributing anything. Throughout the season, Canucks fans clamored for a replacement for Wellwood, arguing that he was not an effective third-line centre as he was not providing scoring and he wasn’t a checker. When no trade came at the deadline for a replacement, most fans resigned themselves to the fact that Wellwood was a placeholder until Cody Hodgson enters the NHL next season. The common theme in all of these arguments is that Kyle Wellwood is not an effective defensive player. I disagree.

When you look at Kyle Wellwood, he certainly doesn’t seem like the kind of two-way, defensively-responsibly centre that we’re used to. When Ryan Kesler, one of the best defensive forwards in the game, is the standard, it’s hard to compare. Wellwood is relatively short for a hockey player, only 5’10”. He’s got a round face that looks like it still carries some baby fat: in other words, soft. He uses one of the shortest sticks in the NHL, a far cry from Willie Mitchell’s league maximum. He only recorded 30 hits this season and blocked a paltry 18 shots. And he’s certainly no Pavel Datsyuk: he recorded 30 takeaways, matched by his 30 giveaways. So how can I say that he’s an effective defensive player?

Simply put, fewer goals were scored against when Kyle Wellwood was on the ice than any other player in the NHL. That statistic that he leads the NHL in? It’s the ratio of goals against to total time on ice: a goal against was recorded every 43:17 that Kyle Wellwood was on the ice to lead the entire NHL in that category*. What’s more, Wellwood was the only Canuck in the top 20 in that category. To break it down, Wellwood was on the ice for a total of 1,039:58 minutes this season. In that entire time, only 24 goals were scored against the Vancouver Canucks. The Canucks had 218 goals against: only 11% of those were scored while Wellwood was on the ice. When Kyle Wellwood was on the ice, the other team simply didn’t score very often.

Let’s repeat that: his ratio of one goal against per 43:17 time on ice led the entire NHL.

How does something like this happen? As established, Wellwood doesn’t throw many checks, block many shots, or record many takeaways. He does, however, win a lot of faceoffs. Wellwood was second on the Canucks with a 53.8 winning percentage on faceoffs, good for 18th in the NHL. In the playoffs, he’s improved that percentage to 60.4%, leading the Canucks in the category and placing him at 3rd in the NHL behind Eric Belanger and Manny Malhotra.

More importantly, he is also incredibly smart. His former AHL coach, Doug Shedden, went so far as to call him a genius. Prior to joining the Canucks, he seemed to use all of his intelligence at the offensive end of the ice, recording 42 points in 48 games in 2006-2007 for the Maple Leafs. Now, asked to be more defensively responsible for the Canucks, he uses that intelligence to anticipate the play. Wellwood always seems to be in the right place at the right time to intercept a pass, or clear away a rebound. And when he gets the puck on his stick in the defensive zone? It’s almost guaranteed to get past the blueline, even if he has to carry it out himself. There’s no panic in Wellwood’s game and, though he’s small, he doesn’t get knocked off the puck easily.

Kyle Wellwood finished the year at +6; despite his relative lack of offensive production, he was not the defensive liability he was made out to be. And, in the playoffs, he’s taken his game to another level, already scoring 7 points in 11 games and has seen his time on ice steadily increase throughout the series against the Blackhawks. That’s why it was interesting, but not necessarily surprising, to see Wellwood out on the ice for the dying minutes of game 5, defending the Canucks lead. He’s certainly an unusual third-line centre (as we at PiTB always say, "Wellwood is Weird"), but he’s also an effective one. And while I, like many Canucks fans, am eager to see Cody Hodgson in a Canucks uniform, I’m hopeful that it isn’t at the expense of Wellwood.

Mike Gillis has shown that he is not averse to multiple centres on the Canucks, signing Wellwood, Sundin, Demitra, and Johnson last season with Sedin and Kesler already on the roster. His first two draft picks in the first round? Centres. Alain Vigneault has not been reluctant to play his centres out of position, notably placing Ryan Kesler on the wing with Sundin and Demitra last season. Personally, I would rather keep the underrated Kyle Wellwood as the third line centre and place Cody Hodgson, if he makes the team out of training camp, on his wing.

To answer Jonathan Willis, the reason Kyle Wellwood is still in the NHL is because he’s a defensively responsible, effective third-line centre. While it’s certainly an unexpected role, it seems to fit him perfectly.

*Source: The Hockey News, May 10, 2010

Kyle Wellwood is Jealous of Those Abs

From the Kurtenblog. I know some people will say he's havin' a peek, as it were, but in truth, that's the same look I get while watching episodes of Say Yes to the Dress with my wife. It's bemusement. Frankly, I think Welly is more concerned with what sort of bronzer they're using. God knows he could use some. Even Sami Salo thinks he's pale. But seriously, folks, he's not interested. I've seen him give more ravenous looks to plates of spaghetti. Plus, I've heard he only dates lifeguards.