Wednesday, March 23, 2011

They Don't Let Keith Ballard Do Anything



Here's a little vignette for Fountain Tire and Canucks.com, featuring interviews with Keith Ballard and Ryan Kesler. The best stuff comes courtesy of Ballard, who gives us some insight into why he never gets any ice time. Turns out it's because:


1) He has
scoliosis and borderline osteoporosis.
Ballard has every ailment short of bulging discs. How much do you think Mike Gillis knew when he traded a 1st round pick and a Calder finalist for Mr. Burns?

2) He sucks at shooting.
His exact words: "They don't even let me shoot in practice in the shootout [...] Have you seen me shoot? You wouldn't let me shoot either." Wayne Gretzky, who coached Ballard in Phoenix, once said to him, famously, "You miss 100% of the shots you, Keith Ballard, take." Revisionists later replaced "Keith Ballard" with "don't", and made a buttload of money on motivational posters.

3) He thinks that being clutch means not falling down.
Suffice it to say, if you've watched Ballard for more than a handful of games, you know he's not clutch. He knows it too. Do you think confidence is an issue for Hips? I'd say so. His shootout strategy is as follows: "I'd just try to get a shot on net, put my head down and skate back to the bench." Here's a pro-tip for Keith Ballard: when hanging your head in shame is part of your move, you're setting yourself up for failure. Someone told me that on a date once.



Thanks to Play Me That Ballard for the tip.

12 comments:

  1. I've always loved the canucks' video podcasts because keith ballard always has funny clips, and this whole clip is just golden. he is hands down the funniest canuck. his jokes are good, his pranks however, suck.

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  2. Great comic timing. He has that dry wit that I like too. Sometimes it's hard to tell if he's joking even when you know he is joking. That's clutch.

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  3. that clip pretty much sums up where my blog came from. He just makes it way to easy, he brings it all on himself. I just help spread it around.

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  4. $4.2 million for this? Worst move MG has ever made.

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  5. Anonymous, did you miss the Sundin, Wellwood, Bernier moves?

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  6. $4.2 mil for a guy who's got no ego issues, will play any role demanded of him, and is actually a pretty damn good defenseman? I'll take it!

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  7. Keith Ballard is just something special. (Probably cause he is from Minnesota)

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  8. What an odd and amusing video.

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  9. I am tempted to think this post is satire but there is no disclaimer, so I must take it with utmost seriousness. Ballard's inability to shoot is a severe problem!

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  10. Ryan Kesler needs to take joke lessons from Ballard...

    And also stop pretending like he's old, "one of the young kids." Dude. HTF old are you?

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  11. @ Canuckles: Kesler can't be jokey unless he's lurking.

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